This week on Extreme Tinder: Clemmie, 27, a television writer, meets Joe, 28, a civil servant. Read the full account of the date in the Guardian. Return below for the brisk skewering. Clemmie | Joe What were you hoping for? A Hollywood romance story to tell the grandkids. Also, that he wouldn’t judge me for ..read more

Will the first date of November give us something to remember? Only one way to find out. Ducking for apples this week are Alan, 33, a marketing manager and on the left, and Robert, 30, who is a doctor and, obviously, on the right. Slide on over to the Guardian website to read what happened ..read more

October! When Haribo finally gets its sh•t together and launches 1,200 different types of foamy gummies shaped like skulls. Kicking off ‘Pumpkin Spice/Instagram collage/I’m wearing a scarf 24-7 even though it’s still 18º outside season’ are Lauren, 26, a charity programme manager, and Ben, 24, a pricing analyst. No idea what either of those jobs ..read more

I will be very honest with you, I am a little too browned off about Maggie Smith dying to be of much use to anyone this morning but then I thought what better tribute to an icon and a legend than to lightly savage two strangers who deigned to apply to be in a magazine ..read more

Autumn! Except… not! Great. This week’s sado-masochists are Emi, 26, a trainee human rights lawyer and Hari 26, a sports analyst. So, Amal Clooney and Richard Keys, basically? Perhaps? No idea. Full rundown is on the Guardian website, incoherent bitching about nothing right below. Emi | Hari What were you hoping for? Someone to walk ..read more

By the end of August the world usually feels sun-bleached and amiably tired, like we’re in a permanent state of waking up on a beach towel after a nap following a lunch of heavy carbs. Tan-lines, frizzy hair, freckles, melted Soleros, sunscreen with caked-up lids, loose Carmex at the bottom of your handbag. Ordinarily, we ..read more

Today’s contestants are Ella, who is 20 and a student, and 25-year-old John, a civil servant. Student of what? We may never know. What kind of civil servant? That’s classified. Readers, the word of the day is ‘vague’. Read how the date went in the Guardian and then come back to see the reheated leftovers ..read more

Let’s not call it a comeback. This week, the rainbow finally returns to the Guardian Blind Date – a whole week after Pride Month finished, timing, guys, timing. Our willing victims are 27-year-old Nima, who works in fintech – no idea what that is, never want to know, could it be computerised dolphins? – and Maxim, a mere 24, who is a client success manager. Success in what? A trolley dash in ALDI? The 100m? Nima and Maxim, I can see those names nestling together on a Christmas card. Here they are. Photo: Martin Godwin/The Guardian Read their full account of the date on the Guardian website bef ..read more

Today, Scott and Maria, who look like they’re working the reception of a halls of residence and are about to show your first-born to the charmless cell they’ll spend their first year stressing, frotting, and doing mushrooms in. Scott is a 26-year-old teacher and Maria is 30 and a freelance graphic designer. Composite: Linda Nylind and Martin Godwin/The Guardian Read what happened on the date on the Guardian website and then return here for the ad libs. Scott | Maria What were you hoping for? Small plates and big chat. Small plates – “yes please, I’d like to either spend the entire date starvin ..read more

This week we’re in Sydney! Not literally, sadly. Perhaps in recognition that either I’ve scared off British single people from appearing in the Blind Date, or just to get some decent material from people whose lack of inhibitions allow them to wear shorts eleven months of the year, the GBD has widened its net to include our famously laidback pals down under, where the Guardian also has an office. Sydney is, of course, famous for the Opera House and Mardi Gras so hopefully this will mean that rainbow representation will once again rise and we’ll maybe get some light frotting while the shrimps s ..read more