Have you ever noticed that we tend to focus on what’s going wrong with our relationship rather than what’s going right? This is what psychologists and sociologists refer to as “negativity bias.” Here is an example of how it works in our brains: Imagine going on a beautiful hiking and along the path you run into a rattlesnake. Most of us will remember the rattlesnake incident and forget the details of any positive experiences we had. Rather than looking back at the joy we had prior to the snake encounter all we can think about is how infested the trails are with snakes and how dangerous the tra ..read more

We love this saying because it underlies so many of the breakdowns that couples have: We argue for our intentions, but others judge us on our impact. Why do we find it so meaningful in our practice? When we say things that upset or offend the person we love, our immediate reaction is to explain our real intention. Because we rarely mean to hurt or provoke our partner, we want to set the record straight. Something has gone wrong, we feel misunderstood—but our intentions were good! Our partner doesn’t want to hear about our intentions. Feeling wounded, they want us to care about the outcome of o ..read more

We’ve been trained on different therapies and we find that what each therapy really focuses on is useful in different situations. When you’re looking at a therapist or for a therapist, you want one that you have a good connection with and that gets good results. We dive deeper into this important question in Adam Bulger’s The Best Couples Therapy For You: The Pros and Cons of 8 Common Types. The post What is the Best Type of Couples Therapy? appeared first on Lambert Couples Therapy ..read more

“There is nothing more gentle than true strength and there is nothing stronger than true gentleness.” — Terry Real Of the many types of intimacy, the one that couples find most difficult is emotional intimacy. Often written as Into-Me-You-See, it’s a phonetic joke that has real power in our relationships. For our purposes here, let’s define intimacy as that sense of closeness we feel with our partner when we are vulnerable, allowing ourselves to really be seen. Emotional intimacy requires a foundation of safety that makes it possible to share our most authentic thoughts and feelings. With tru ..read more

“There is nothing more gentle than true strength and there is nothing stronger than true gentleness.” Of all the domains of intimacy, the one that couples find most difficult is emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy or, “in to me you see,” is that sense of closeness we feel with our partner when we are vulnerable, allowing ourselves to be ourselves and be seen. Emotional intimacy requires a feeling of safety to share our personal thoughts and feelings. When intimacy is present, you can actually feel your partner feeling you. Emotional intimacy is challenging for many for a number of reasons ..read more

Couples often ask us to recommend additional resources for taking their relationship to the next level. We decided to put together a list of our common recommendations, which include those you can do even now as we are in shutdown—and some for later, when you can attend workshops in person. Books to Read There are many great books on relationships; however, in our opinion, there are a few that stand out above the rest. We recommend that you read them together and talk about how you can implement the ideas and strategies. Making Marriage Simple by Harville and Helen Hendrix Hold Me Tight by S ..read more

We know it may sound counterintuitive to even think about having fun as this pandemic continues to unfold in such a scary and serious way. The more we learn about how this invisible enemy is attacking all of us around the world, our stress and anxiety levels continue to rise and we go into survival mode. Even for those of us who are able to stay relatively calm and centered, there is an underlying feeling of concern that creates a rise in our cortisol levels and affects us emotionally and physically. Just this morning as we woke up and shared our dreams with each other, we realized that in an ..read more

We are living in unprecedented times, navigating uncharted territories. We are all showing up the best we can. Our partners are probably experiencing the best of us—and perhaps the worst of us. We all have different ways of coping with crisis. For example, one of you may take a structured, purposeful, and proactive approach—while the other is more passive and fatalistic. One of you overreacts, and the other underreacts. If you think there is only one way to do things, then we put an enormous burden on our partner, contributing to stress and conflict. So, how do we use this time to create more ..read more

“The task is not to seek love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you built against it” ~ Rumi As we approach Valentine’s Day we can’t help but to think about love. “What is love anyhow?” We believe that love is an energy and is expressed through generosity, gratitude, appreciation, kindness. etc. What does the expression of love look like in relationship, and what reduces or destroys that love? 1. Often we appreciate our partners, but too often we keep that appreciation to ourselves. When we access the energy of love, we tell our partner regularly what we ap ..read more

“The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.” – Henry Miller As a relationship couples’ therapist, the question I have always pondered is, can you be mindful or fully present in relationship? (For the purposes of this blog post, “mindfulness” and being “fully present” will be used synonymously.) I have found the answer to be yes. Not only can you be mindful and present in your relationship, but when you add mindfulness to your relationship it has the potential to be a transformative j ..read more