Being in a committed long-term relationship is one of the most significant and rewarding things you can do. It’s also one of the hardest. For couples looking to communicate better or for tools to improve their marriage, reading a good marriage book together can help open you to different possibilities. Because no one gave you the manual to deal with what to do when you feel your partner doesn’t listen to you. Or if you’re confused about why you can’t converse respectfully and calmly.  For that reason, it’s ideal for all couples to take the time to read books to improve their marriage  ..read more

We take for granted many things we do in our adult lives, so many things that we learnt or experienced growing up, good or bad. As a therapist, people can get wary when asked to talk about their childhoods. But understanding your partners and your childhood experiences can strengthen your relationship. Our emotional memories stay with us just as much as the practical things like learning to read or riding a bike. My favourite picture is of me, my first school photo, aged five. As far as I can recall, my parents didn’t own a camera, so this was a big day. I must have been really excited. V ..read more

We are well and truly in autumn: a new season but a familiar pattern. Every year the seasons come and go. It’s nature’s predictable and yet often unpredictable cycle. Relationships are the same. They, too, have their seasons. For many couples, the pattern feels unpredictable. A period of what feels like the depth of winter never entirely shifts to make way for spring with all its possibilities. The truth is relationships rarely bask in the continuous summer sunshine. Most are characterised by three main ‘seasons’ or phases. So what are they? Phase 1 – Romance At the beginning of a relationship ..read more

Today I’m going to explore the Jungian archetype of the Shadow, everything we can’t see in ourselves, and the importance of shadow work in relationships.  But first, in the last two posts, I have talked about how we can mistake our partners for someone else. Either that’s someone from our past because of transference. Or alternatively, a reflection of the parts of ourselves that we do not want to see and deny, which leads to projective identification.  Either way, we are not allowing ourselves to see our partners for who they are. And, of course, it may also account for the times whe ..read more

Projection and projective identification have a significant role to play in relationship breakdown. Before we dive deep into why that is, here’s a reminder for you to read last week’s post. Last week’s blog post was about how you can see your partner as someone from your past without even realising it. And then how you treat your partner in ways that have nothing to do with them. You can check it out here if you haven’t read that post. This week we are going to talk about projection and projective identification. Projection isn’t just for narcissists. Projection plays a crucial role in control ..read more

Over the next three weeks, I’m deeply diving into the unconscious ways you block intimacy in your marriage.  This week we’re going to look at transference in relationships.   When we think about having a breakthrough with a marriage that’s stuck, we usually focus on what is conscious, i.e. communications skills, improving our sex life to deepen intimacy and perhaps how to set better boundaries as a couple.  That’s completely understandable.  Because the result is we start doing something tangible to make a difference in controlling the trajectory of our relationship.&n ..read more

Divorce isn’t always painful.   But what is always part of a divorce or separation is loss.   Divorce is all about loss.   There’s no avoiding it. Even if separation or the end of the marriage is something that you consciously wanted and perhaps initiated, you can’t avoid the loss.   Loss becomes a problem that arises when we try to avoid the unavoidable.  Because it’s that fear of loss that keeps many women stuck in a marriage that’s run its course, for far too long. Or on the other side of the coin leave too soon because what they fear is the loss ..read more

I have sat with many couples, both personally and professionally, who are grappling with the impact of an affair on the relationship.  An emotional affair can be particularly confusing. In some relationships, the affair is ongoing. In others, there is a denial. What is called a friendship has all the hallmarks of an affair. Or those late-night trips to the office that don’t prompt curiosity. In addition, there are those couples where the affair is a thing of the past. But the past is still present. Resentment, vigilance, possessiveness, disconnection and passive aggression are clues that ..read more

Let’s have a chat about common myths around marriage. Stories about relationships date back to time immemorial. In Greek mythology, we have the story of Hera, the Goddess of marriage, who longed to be a bride and a wife.  Perhaps in her relationship with Zeus, she represents the story of a modern-day woman who stays stuck in a relationship humiliated by her husband’s affairs but not directly expressing her anger to him. Instead, she channels her rage at the other woman, blaming her instead of confronting the person who, up until this point, has been the most important someone in her life ..read more

I get why so many women carry marital doubts alone, wondering should I stay married? I don’t know about you, but I grew up with the golden household rule ‘don’t chat yuh buziness!’ It’s a story I carried for a long time, keeping struggles and challenges to myself, and sometimes I still do; boundaries are essential. At times it’s liberating to share. At others, when struggling to communicate but desperately wanting to be heard and feel empathy, I felt desperately isolated. So, I get why so many women carry doubts about their marriage alone, beset by a feeling of guilt, failure or embarrassment ..read more