Pixabay CC0 There’s a devastating sexual myth that appears in the sheltered space of my office from time to time. This myth has taken root in the minds of many people trying to make their relationships work. We circulate this belief in hair salons, happy hours and other places we share our secrets. The myth begins early in a relationship, after the initial stages of passion wear off. One partner starts to notice that sex happens less frequently, as the typical complexities and rhythms of life demand more time and attention. The novelty and excitement of early relationship ecstasy begin to yie ..read more

CC0/Pixabay I was 11 when my dad died. We had a distant relationship already, and I don't remember feeling devastated when he died. I do remember that devastation creeping up on me as an adult, taking many shapes across my life so far. We used to collect X-Men cards together. It was a bit of an obsession of mine, and more importantly, it was one of the fear endearments I still allowed him in my grieving anger. These X-Men cards were one of the few places we could predictably connect. Some time before his accident, he gave me his treasure trove cards to "hold onto" for him. I spent hours in th ..read more

Pixabay/CC0 I still grieve my father's death. But it's a grief that unfolds over time, with each of my life's milestones unfolding a new way to miss his presence in my life. Most recently, it's the knowledge that when I look at my son, I see his face. This unique grief is swollen by the fact that my father wasn't around much. I've spent many hours wondering why, a question deepened by my obsession with my own son, whose face I couldn't imagine missing for days on end. My father left me with very little to hold onto after his car accident. It's a confusing legacy. I can remember flipping throu ..read more

I'm alive because of a love letter. The original love letter, actually. The one my grandfather gave my grandmother as they sat together, nervously, beneath a spring blossom on the University of Chicago campus. It wasn't quite the love letter you might expect from one of the world's great loves stories, more of a crude confession of love that reflects my grandparents rugged and resilient romance. "ILY" This was all that was hastily scribbled onto a cafeteria napkin my grandfather, Fred Vance, handed to my grandmother, Betty Johnson, who by this time was no stranger to Fred's pursuits. This wasn ..read more

Pexels/CC0 Monday on Tuesday sucks. You'd think it'd be nice to have a shorter week, but it only feels like a shorter week when you have Fridays off. When you have Monday off, Monday just ends up feeling like Sunday. I've always been a little suspicious of Tuesday. For all the talk about how much Monday sucks, personally, I think Tuesday is the worst day of the week. It's just got better PR. It's good at throwing shade at Monday, who is the obvious scapegoat. Think about it. At least Monday has the advantage of being the start of something. It may not be what you wanted to start. But that's n ..read more

Governor Greg Abbott has just issued states of emergencies for 50 counties in South Texas and federal states of emergencies for 19 counties. I, like many others, have people I love and care about who are riding out this storm. For anyone who's ever lived through a disaster, the unexpected and silent outcome is the long-term mental health needs for folks devastated by the event, in this case Harvey. And the needs are going to be substantial. The San Antonio Fire Department chief just reported that he thought the support efforts following Harvey may be worse than Katrina. Not that this is a com ..read more

Image by Katie Tegtmeyer on Flickr As a sex therapist, I'm interested in how we use language to describe our experiences. That's because how we talk about what experience defines that experience. It defines our thoughts, what we expect and how we behave. So if there's a phrase that better describes an experience, we should use that phrase instead. For example, take the phrase "multiple orgasms." This isn't actually a thing. We use this phrase to describe how women experience many orgasms in one sexual encounter compared to men who generally don't. What we're actually talking about in sexual h ..read more

Why is it so hard to listen sometimes? Has your partner ever looked at you and said, "All I want you to do is listen!" Did it seem to you like you were listening just fine, but they still weren't buying that you got it? We tend to think that listening should be a simple task, but it's undoubtedly the most common mistake that distressed couples make when communicating. Listening is actually quite a complex thing we're asking our brains to do at any point, much less when we're in distress. Did you know, for example, that when your spouse asks you to listen to them, that you're actually multitas ..read more

Image by Josh James on Flickr Heartbreak sucks. In my most challenging moments of losing something or someone I care about, I've felt torn between the knowledge that I must let go and my total unwillingness to actually do it, even though holding on costs me great pain. If you're reading this post, maybe you're in a hell you couldn't have prepared for. So let me begin by putting a spin on something all your friends have told you - something that you know is true but don't want to hear. You're not GOING to get through it. You're GETTING through it. This pain you feel, this aching, soul-deep bro ..read more

Almost every couples therapist will tell you that at some point, escalated conflict is pointless. There's nothing useful that comes from screaming at each other while forgetting what you were fighting about to begin with. We all know this. You don't need specialized training to understand that conflict can get out of control. All you need is a few years of a marriage to tell you that. Despite that knowledge, it's still harder than it should be to push the eject button on conflict before it gets nasty. There's a good reason for this. We all tend to work one way or another. Either we're wired t ..read more