She’s imperfect but she tries She is good but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won’t ask for help She is messy but she’s kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up And baked in a beautiful pie Sara Bareilles, “She Used to Be Mine” I’ve mentioned before how music has re-emerged in my life to be something so important to me. I have hundreds of songs favorited and saved. I’ve gone through three sets of Air Pods. I listen constantly – even when I’m in the shower (no, my phone is not in the shower). And it’s interesting how songs take on different meanings dep ..read more

I tried so hard and got so far, But in the end it didn’t even matter Linkin Park It’s Deathiversary month (technically 11/1). I…have given myself permission to feel and do what I need. If I don’t cook? Fine. If clothes are left in an unfolded pile: fine. As long as D and the cats are taken care of and bills paid, that’s what matters. OK I am terrible about folding and putting away laundry normally, so I shouldn’t use this month as an excuse. But emotions and experiences are funny things. I can feel them pulling on me. And in my last post I referenced the one decoration I pulled out. I feel so ..read more

I smiled after I typed that because of the dual meanings. Autumn! and also, literally falling. Which I have felt like with my legs. I think the procedures have helped some, but the doctor was adamant that it would not be a cure: at best a partial improvement. I understand that. And despite doctors saying this isn’t a thing, I can tell certain foods spark irritation: no more tortilla chips But there are lots of things to fall about and fall because of. This is a rough time of year for me now. And I hate it because I LOVE Autumn. It started last Sunday with J’s birthday. And some other tough co ..read more

And I wonder day to day I don’t like you anyway I don’t need your shit today Your pathetic in your own way I feel for you Godsmack “Whatever” Like many, I am appalled, devastated – choose your adjective – about today’s ruling by SCOTUS. And I wasn’t surprised. I read the released draft ruling and I knew how this court was going. But I am still appalled. I’m appalled as a woman and for other women who will need to navigate a labyrinthine series of which states allow what and assuming they can afford it as well as how to get there. I’m disgusted at justices who seem to think that women deserve ..read more

I used to be so big and strong I used to know my right from wrong I used to never be afraid I used to be somebody I used to have something inside Now just this hole it’s open wide I used to want it all I used to be somebody Nine Inch Nails “Down in It” I mentioned my affinity for astrology in an earlier post, so I’m not going to feel bad (much) by telling you that I have become devoted to worry stones. I have a primary one that is by me daily. It says “Relax”, and I bought it for myself in Asheville in 2019. I liked the sentiment but put it into my nightstand drawer for almost two years. This ..read more

Today is two years exactly since I took home my work laptop and prepared my spot at the dining room table as a “temporary” office. And prepared myself for Daniel to be home for “two weeks” as we were told. Well, here we are. It’s 2022. Daniel is back in school physically, but I am still here at the dining room table in loungewear, Crocs and (hopefully) fun t-shirts. I’m shocked. Stunned. I never – like most of us – thought that something like COVID would happen in my lifetime despite devouring books and movies on pandemics and knowing it was simply a matter of time (theoretically). And Daniel ..read more

I promised myself and I think you all that I would try to be honest and open about feelings and situations as I navigate through this new reality. Or maybe I promised only myself. I don’t know. So this week, I have accomplished a lot on some major items on my to-do list. I hired a handyman to make some much-needed repairs around the house. And it looks great! Is it perfect? No. But it is much improved and much needed. Benign neglect eventually shows. Hopefully these improvements will change that. I have other people coming out next week to do a few things, and then the week after next, I have ..read more

Last week a friend mentioned a scenario during driving at night that made him think of his 16-year-old self and how the feelings from then are very different from the feelings of now. I thought that was interesting, and being me, I ran with it. So I have two questions for you to ponder: What do you think your 16-year-old self would think of the life you have? How do you think you would feel if you lived the life your 16-year-old self envisioned? When I think of my 16-year-old self, I acknowledge that I was both mature for my age and quite naive and sheltered. My younger self would be proud t ..read more

It’s the first full moon of 2022, and it is referred to as the “Wolf” moon. I kind of like that. It sounds a bit feral, a bit mysterious, a bit wild. And (at least here) it is cold and windy out, and I can imagine a wolf howling in the dark night. It has a few other names, too, but I like “Wolf” moon best. My, isn’t someone feeling poetic tonight? Astrologically, full moons are important and symbolic. They represent culmination, hidden information coming to light and literally illumination on situations or relationships. They symbolize seeing things clearly. And they are dramatic, chaotic and ..read more

Whew. lt’s late, and I’ll probably regret this post tomorrow, which will be in 18 minutes as I start this. Or maybe not. I mentioned in prior posts that I talk, talk, talk…the words just spill out of me…word vomit everywhere. It’s quite confessional. I like to think that maybe the universe grants me some sort of absolution as I spill everything in my brain or maybe I am guilty as I am with so many others of the hubris of thinking that the universe cares what I am thinking and have to say. Someone recently told me I was an open book, and I couldn’t decide if that was a compliment or not. Kind o ..read more