I’ve been meaning to write for weeks. I have words, sentences circulating in my head. And when they are there they are so real. Vivid. Encompassing. And then they go. And I can’t find them again.  Music. I can’t listen to it. Well. Not my music. It makes me feel sick. The memories. Us.  London. Monty. Suffolk. The good times. The bad. And even though the bad was awful. It was still mine. My time. Our time.  And now I’ve been replaced.  And I don’t dare turn on the radio. It blindsides me. Takes my breathe away. The devastation.  And I can’t be sad in fro ..read more

It ebbs and flows. Good days and then bad. And this week the bad seem to be dominating. I know it’s a process. Something that has to be worked through.  But fuck it’s hard.  Pressure for my baby girl to meet the new person. That’s a no. Absolutely not. Not for a long time. I have my reasons which are valid. But not to go into on here. Personal and private. But a mothers love is fierce and my drive to protect is absolute. There will be no wiggle room on this. No give. I will fight all the way. And win. And to be told it’s because I’m bitter hurts. I’m not bitter. I’m wounded. My heart ..read more

This should probably be a really joyful post. This weekend has marked 3 years since I came off chemo. But of course it’s all intertwined with him.  3 years and 2 weeks ago I ended it. We were in such different places on such an important thing for me. And it was hard. Saying goodbye to the dog. My beautiful boy. Having all evidence of them both removed from my flat. Empty spaces everywhere. Memories everywhere.  But carrying on.  Then 13 days later. A phone call. I remember where I was standing when it rang in my hand. A video call. I remember where he was standing in his flat ..read more

Well, it's another month no doubt made up by social media companies that I can jump on the bandwagon about.  And shout about.  Angrily.  What a surprise.  Me, angry about something? Noooo.   Well I'm fucking furious about this one. Livid.  The words to truly explain how I feel about this don't exist.  I even wrote the below and sent it to the recent birth trauma inquiry in Parliament. How fucking ridiculous that there is an inquiry going on in an establishment that's meant to look after us; but day in day out interferes and meddles with birth to suit the ..read more

 Again. So much to write. Getting the words out is hard. Moving through the stages of grief. Anger. I’m so fucking furious at the moment. With the lies. The mistruths. Being told one thing whilst the actions taken are the opposite. Wanting to be alone. Apparently. But with a new girlfriend lined up waiting in the wings. Better. Shiner. More exciting. And apparently I’m bitter.  No. I’m seething.  My life is on pause. Nearly 40. Back with my parents. Not knowing when I can move back to London. Desperately trying to build my work back up whilst looking after a 2 year old. Feeling ..read more

It’s been a while. Years. So many things to say. So much I can’t. Because it’s not my story to tell. It’s ours. We were a we. And now I’m an I. With a little girl. Navigating a new life. On my own again. Processing. Not really letting it all filter through. It’s too much. Being here again. But not just me. Us. She is me and I am her. Everything I do has to be for her. Not just me.  And out lovely chocolate boy isn’t here anymore. It’s been 14 months. I saw his double today in the park. My heart aches for him. Still. He visits me. He’s still with me. My boy. I need him so much right now ..read more

Well my lovely bloglets, I’ve been sitting on this post for a while. Not that I’ve actually written it. Well I have in my head, numerous times, but haven’t sat down to type until now. And I’m not sure why. It’s such amazing and wonderful news. But part of it also wants to keep it for me. Because it’s been so longed for. For such a long time. And now it’s my reality. And it’s amazing. But it’s also surreal.  My rainbow baby. Because my fertility is fucked according to the hospital. Well. Compromised is the nice way of saying it. With a very low egg count. 14 and a half years of chemo has ..read more

Well I was going to write yesterday but my tube journey instead of being a long one ended up being broken up into two and when I write I like to do it in one hit as things change and breaking the writing impacts on the post. I like to be in the zone continuously even if it’s just to ramble shite that no one really cares about. But it’s important for me. To process. To get it out of my head. To stop it circulating. Anyways.  So yesterday I was going to write about my recent appointment which I have also put in my Hopeful Baby Diary blog so maybe I’ll just stick the link in and keep this m ..read more

 Well my lovely boglets, For those of you who follow my IVF-specific blog (www.thehopefulbabydiary.wordpress.com) you will already know this, but I wanted to write on here too.  Although if you can believe it, I'm even more pissed off today than I was when I wrote last night on my other blog. There's been another bump in the road.  Another hurdle to get over. Another battle to fight. And I'm so fucked off and fed up of it all. Basically, my fertility funding has been denied because they haven't stated it as an issue with my fertility, because I'm not technically infertile or hav ..read more

 Well my lovely Bloglets, As I have been so shit with this blog for a couple of years now, I thought I'd do a yearly round-up.  For those of you who are lovely and care, and to prove I'm still here! Well fuck me.  WHAT A YEAR!  2020.  Who would have thought?!?  All in all, I can't complain. I'm fine. My friends are fine.  My family are fine.  I think I had 'Rona but I wasn't very ill.  I just had achey legs and was very tired for a few days, but they are my fatigue symptoms anyways, so who knows?!? It was also before everyone who sneezed went to get ..read more