I can go months being ‘normal’… yes, I always have my quirks – my projects, my excited childlike ways, my down moments, but I can deal with them all because as a whole, I am normal. I fit in with the rest of society and other than the people close to me, no one really notices the quirks. Then, I fall, I fall hard. There’s not one specific thing, in fact if there is a trigger this time, then this trigger seems so pathetic it’s unreal. The hard thing is, no matter how pathetic, you can’t change the way you feel. You can’t stop that feeling, you can’t just feel better. People don’t realise how mu ..read more

Why do I get so obsessed? So, with everything that’s been going on, I have been doing pretty well I have been completely off meds for quite a while now and I have been coping quite well. I have my moments, but I also have great people around me to help and support me – I am one of the lucky ones I obsess over things. This isn’t something that I’m coping with alone – my husband knows I do it – he often realised it before I do! My mum picks me up on it too – it’s good – they notice and try to help. The problem is, no one can help them stop. They are amazing – they understand me and help me dea ..read more

I had my hen party tonight. I get married next week. I marry the love of my life and it is the most amazing thing in the world. What’s wrong then? My granddad died yesterday. It’s shit. Weddings are stressful. I was getting to the point of stressing a little and didn’t know if it was bridezilla or bipolar. To be scared of your own head and feelings really is waft. So, now I don’t know whether it’s grief, bridezilla, braveness or bipolar. I have no idea. I am trusting the people around me to kind of work it out for me but how can they know if I don’t even know. I’m just scared. I’m hurt, I’m an ..read more

I’m having one of those days, one of those few days. I’m hoping this feeling is going to pass but at the minute it doesn’t feel like it. I know the reasons, I know the triggers and I know that I need to sort things out, let other things go and stop running away from problems. I’m sensible, I know all of this. But today it’s hard. Life is hard. I’m having one of those days when you feel like everyone thinks you’re useless, like you’re a bad person and like you don’t deserve happiness. Deep down I know that isn’t true and if someone told me all of that I would shout them down because I know it’s ..read more

That’s rights, I’m officially off of all medication. After taking my first lot of tablets and wanting to kill myself, the doc changed them. The next lot of tablets helped me to put on two and a half stone in four months so I got them changed. To be fair these were probably the best ones but I couldn’t cope with the weight gain. So he changed my tablets – wonderful. This last lot made me want to crawl out of my own skin. I can only imagine that I felt how a heroine addict feels when they need their next hit, only I needed the hit out of my system. It was a horrible horrible feeling that I never ..read more

So, I went see my psycho doc a couple of weeks ago. He eventually agreed to change my tablets after I explained that I’d put on 2 and a half stone in four months and I was more irritable than I had been before tablets. I still haven’t taken my new tablets – I’ll be getting them today. I was too scared. I weened myself off of the other ones as the doctor had explained to do but I haven’t yet even got the prescription for the new ones. Knowing that something will change the chemicals in my brain again is scary. I don’t know whether they’ll change for better or for worse. I’m taking the gamble to ..read more

So… last week was the first of three group therapy sessions. I didn’t think it would go well and guess what… it didn’t! It’s not for me – that’s all I can say and I honestly don’t think it will help me in any way at all. It took everything inside me not to stand up shouting ‘this is bollocks’! Please excuse me language but that is honestly, exactly how I felt at the time! It seems that others in there felt exactly the same! Needless to say, I won’t be returning.  Today was my psycho doc meeting – I have now learnt that he’s a psychiatrist – weirdly no one ever actually explained that. He ..read more

Wow, it has been longer than I thought since my last blog. I have spent the past few weeks feeling pretty normal and trying to get back into normal life without fixating on the fact that I have a problem. In doing that, I have found it hard to sit down and write about how I feel as it brings it all back to me and makes me feel crazy.  So, like I say, I have been feeling myself again I’m not sure that’s good as apparently myself is a little crazy but hey the doctors are assessing me, I suppose I just have to trust them. I’m two and a half stone heavier than when I started my tablets so the ..read more

It’s really hard to write a post about being mental when you’re trying so hard to be normal! I had a bad couple of weeks. I can honestly say that at times I truly did not want to be on this planet. I’m feeling better now.  After a fight to see the doctor he finally changed my tablets and I really am starting to feel better which is great! The doctor still has no clue who I am and I had a call to ask why I didn’t turn up to my appointment. The same appointment that the doctor changed my tablets and gave me a letter to take to my go. I had proof that I’d been. They just have no idea who I a ..read more

I haven’t posted for a good few days now… why? I just didn’t feel I was able to without posting the most depressing stuff! I had my psycho docs appointment on Wednesday. It didn’t go too well. The lady who is normal with the doc wasn’t there and to be honest the doctor didn’t seem to have a clue who I was. It felt like I’d waited about six weeks for nothing. I thought I’d get some more answers – no – nothing.  I called the lady I usually speak to the next day. I don’t know what she is. I think she’s my support worker or something – no one explains this stuff very clearly. Anyway, I explai ..read more