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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell could barely contain himself while introducing Hunter Biden as the new head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders during a press conference at The Chicken Ranch, a brothel about an hour west of Las Vegas, where Biden had been vacationing and “making art” for the last week or so. Citing Biden’s “incomparable resume” and “untouchable status”, Commissioner Goodell beamed gleefully while rambling on about how the Biden hire exemplified the current direction of the National Football League. “Where do I even start? I mean, the sheer ability of the man to ..read more

Within hours of the Cancel Culture Inquisition revealing that Jon Gruden had used private emails to describe Resident Joe Biden as a “nervous clueless p—-“, the former Raiders head coach surged to a double digit lead in several key polls associated with the 2024 presidential race. “I’ve never seen anything quite like this in my thirty years of tracking political momentum,” explained famed pollster Billy Bob Zogby. “I’ve never seen a simple three-word political statement resonate so powerfully and so quickly. Coach Gruden has really tapped into something here.” “It’s as if he said what the vas ..read more

ATLANTA, GA – Centers for Disease Control (CDC) Director Rochelle Walensky has officially decreed that New Hampshire must change its state motto. During a press conference scheduled to celebrate the installation of her new throne room at CDC headquarters, Walensky sat solemnly with a scepter in one hand and a magic 8-ball in the other as she declared the “Live Free or Die” concept to be “waaaaaayyyy too dangerous to be tolerated”. “Obviously we can’t have these sorts of ideas out there polluting the minds of people and leading them to believe things that often put public health at risk,” Wale ..read more

ATLANTA, GA – With U.S. vaccination rates lagging and vaccine hesitance gaining momentum as people realize that even getting multiple COVID shots won’t do much to prevent them from catching or spreading COVID, an increasingly desperate Resident Biden announced a new federal initiative to “help encourage the vaccine hesitant” by luring them into government run “vaccination vans” with the promise of free government candy. When the candy doesn’t do the trick, government agents will dangle hundred dollar bills from the vans’ windows while cruising slowly through poor neighborhoods. “We just have ..read more

LONDON, ENGLAND – Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced plans to mark England’s formal surrender to complete technocratic fascism with a nationwide celebration called “Freedom Day”. “Today we celebrate our freedom to conform to the will of the almighty state and its benevolent corporate sponsors,” Johnson announced to a sparse crowd of triple-masked government employees who clapped in unison on cue. “What an honor it is to have the opportunity to sacrifice our freedom, privacy, and even our ability to walk around in public without wearing a mask so that we can be kept safe and secure, snuggl ..read more

WASHINGTON DC – After months of negotiations following Hunter Biden’s father’s inauguration, high ranking Republicans and Democrats have agreed on terms to make Washington, D.C. the 51st state on the union as long as Epstein Island is simultaneously made the 52nd state. The final strategy to secure DC statehood was simple: Find a relatively warm, good, and happy place to offset the cold, dark, malevolent vibe of Washington, D.C., and add that territory as a U.S. state at the same time to balance the perceived darkness of D.C. It didn’t take long for leadership on both sides of the aisle to se ..read more

WASHINGTON DC – After spending the better part of a century reaping benefits from systems dramatically rigged in his favor and bending or breaking rules when those corrupt systems weren’t enough to get him where he wanted to go, former Vice President Joe Biden is now positioning himself as the man to fix all of the crooked schemes and corrupt systems that made him who he is today. “Joe’s all about ending white privilege, eliminating unfair loopholes designed to benefit guys like him, and cracking down on the kind of massive, egregious lawbreaking that has brought him and his family to where t ..read more

NEW YORK, NY – Media professionals are expressing concern over what they describe as an “unprecedented surge in suicidal thoughts” registered in polling feedback and other data recorded during and immediately following the first presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice-President Biden. “It started out fairly normal,” explained Mikhail Wallace of Faux News, who interacted with a group of 50 hand-picked Democrats pretending to be undecided in a network studio during the debate. “The real-time tracking and feedback began with the typical back and forth split between the two ca ..read more

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As hundreds of millions of Americans shelter in place by government decree, many are beginning to wonder whether they’ll be allowed to leave their homes and congregate in time to celebrate their independence from the tyrannical rule of King George III. “I just hope we’re allowed to leave home by the fourth of July,” mused public school teacher Jane Q. Smith via Twitter from the tiny downtown studio apartment that she hasn’t left in a month. “It would sure be nice to have the tiniest little taste of open air, if only for a moment. What better way to celebrate our hard won f ..read more