So many months
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
It’s been almost 3 months and nothing’s changed. It did, slightly, a few months ago when I unilaterally decided to reduce my quetiapine dose from 600mg to 400mg. That didn’t end well; it made me ill almost immediately. And feeling ill I began a battle to see a GP. That took a few weeks. She referred me back to my psychiatriast at Secondary Care. That took a month; no, more. And that was last week. It’s good to talk about my illness – not just with a health professional but with anyone. He suggested my most urgent issue was anxiety, which I agree with (but not exclusively). I’ve been in a depre ..read more
Visit website
The next nine days.
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
This is the process for being ‘ill’ and / or ‘in crisis’ in the UK today. I have in the past been told that, if necessary, I am to go to Casualty or ring 999 and ask for an ambulance. As I don’t think I could possibly cope with the wait of several hours for either (assuming either of these would be interested). My GP surgery has changed the rules for seeing a doctor. Before last month you could turn up at the door for opening time at 8am then wait with the rest of the queue until a GP is free.  Or you could try to book an appointment over the phone; often there would be none free for the ..read more
Visit website
Messing with medication
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
Nothing has happened, life goes on. I’m managing to stay in work (do I have a choice?) but at home housework is getting on top of me and I can’t keep up. Last week I decided, unilaterally (I’m not in touch with my GP or Secondary Care), to reduce my daily dosage of quetiapine (anti-psychotic, for bipolar / depression / obsession-compulsion). I was on 600mg which I took in the late evening so it didn’t mess with my day. That was the thinking, anyhow. (I’ve kept the fluoxetine at 20mg a day and the Epilim at a gram.) So I dropped ot to 400mg a day and for a few days all was fine. Then the side e ..read more
Visit website
Suicide
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
Historically my ‘suicidal ideation’ has been extremely intrusive. Sudden and severe, but thankfully very brief episodes with enough space in-between them to make them manageable with the decades of experience I have of doing so. But the past three days I have been constantly suicidal without breaks, without relief from the exhaustion that carrying this huge weight around – physically as well as mentally – burdens me with. It’s so bloody tiring.   Suicide.   I’ve spent three days, now, under a cloud blackbirds have flown into existence. It   wraps me in a colourless silk strippin ..read more
Visit website
“Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.”
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
Wow, it’s been 3 months since I last wrote here. I have no excuse, though my mood has been relatively stable and I’ve been calm. I’m still not well, of course – there is no cure, just an endless swallowing of tablets – but things could be a lot worse. If anything has got worse then it’s my OCD. And what irks me more than OCD is that people have no idea what it entails; what it is. Just this week, again, a Facebook friend asked me how OCD is – if at all – more than just a hankering for neatness. How can anyone define OCD in a few sentences? It’s importance. It’s an evil, chronic, debilitating d ..read more
Visit website
Crisis? What crisis?
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
I’ve spent yet another week off work, feeling very unwell. Mood extremely low, I’ve slept very late each day (on and off). What to do about it? I’ve made an appointment to see my GP. Soonest one available was for 2 weeks time. I rang the Crisis number I’ve been given for the Mental Health assessment team – I have an appointment for 21st JANUARY! That’s >7 weeks away. I will have to go back to work tomorrow even though I feel totally unable to do my job at the moment. I’ll have my obligatory ‘return to work’ meeting with my line manager and will request a referral to the Occupational Health ..read more
Visit website
I don’t feel well.
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
Even when my mental health has been relatively stable, there is still physical illness most of the time. ‘I don’t feel well’ is a sentence loaded with meaning and insight. I don’t feel well can encompass a load of symptoms, often little I can put my finger on. Tiredness – no, utter exhaustion. Myriad aches and pains, especially in my joints. Chest pains (reflux, pain could be anywhere in the torso and feels serious). Confused, total lack of energy, agoraphobia, sleepiness but as usual waking often in the middle of bizarre, hyper-real, repetitive dreams (I go to the same place every night). I d ..read more
Visit website
Brief moments of madness
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
At least my illness is a steady one, most highs and lows (highest and lowest) clipped by the meds. It means that when something does trigger a mood I’m in a good position (hopefully) to work through it. Unless of course we’re talking about psychosis. However brief and temporary that might be. One such very brief episode occurred this a couple of evenings ago after a frustrating argument with my son. Within moments my mood had escalated like a rocket taking off. These moments, if I remember them correctly (or at all), surprise me and I wonder where on earth they come from. For example, the one ..read more
Visit website
Not a lot
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
A long period of silence here. Things go on, nothing really changes though the summer break has finished and I’ve now returned to work. The first few days left me exhausted despite them involving very little work. Maybe it’s the getting up early added to the usual insomnia and other sleep issues? Mood is relatively stable, though last week I got stuck in a prolonged bout of suicidal ideation. I judge these thoughts by imagining I have a button next to me I could push for instant death; how often I would do this tells me how my low- or mixed mood is. Aiming at – as usual – trying to keep a 100 ..read more
Visit website
Forever on my mind.
Celtcoch
by Red Celt
2y ago
It’s all this iceberg.     ..read more
Visit website

Follow Celtcoch on FeedSpot

Continue with Google
Continue with Apple
OR