Re-evaluating priorities.  Does that equate to re-evaluating my life?  The latter feels so heavy and daunting.  Yet, so necessary and timely.  I’ve been in social services, correction..had been..for 20 plus years.  My heart is swollen a little from all the issues and problems faced, then hopefully solved.  As a young person in social services, I had so much energy, heart and soul.  Dedicated to a fault to help those disadvantaged.  Always showing up, answering calls, losing sleep, dodging insults from both parents and clients alike-All in the name of adv ..read more

I’ve been having a lot of conversations in my head that start with “Dear God.” Sometimes the next few words are simply please help me. Other times it has much more context, passion and emotion. I also have to admit there might be a level of desperation in the mix. Luckily, not always. I am starting a new job on 6/1. I run the gamut of excitement to breathless anxiety when I think about it. I have gone to bed with a strong mindset that I will be a good leader and can absolutely do this job, to wake with my heart pounding full of intense fear I made the worst decision of my life. Momentarily par ..read more

The all mighty ocean full of unfettered strength and great truth often calls to me.  The crisp air refills my lungs and ushers my spirit anew.   Blissful sounds of crashing waves dance through my ears. The vast expanse of blue teases my eyes with boundless precision. It is here I feel safe. It is here I feel a power greater than myself.  It is here I let go.  I seem to not allow myself to experience this simple pleasure often enough. I seem to not allow a cleansing of my soul and mind I often desperately crave. Nature is my healer. Whether it be soft san ..read more

Kings and Queens of happiness Reign in their supreme willingness and vulnerability  To allow another soul Into the window of self Into the long shadow that may creep And so soon may subside with true love Our battles, sometimes so personal So real and reflective of fear  Become less if only in inches As another holds our hand with care Is willing to carry a conceived burden Sees us as we believe and hold in our hearts The measure we might have to maintain As our shadow self also opens a window Into you, into another  That breathes into my love with no shame Only sincerity Integr ..read more

As the sky spits rays of light Into a radiant soft sunset The glow is reminiscent of sparklers That innocently crowd a gloomy sky In a child’s eyes the world is on fire In an array of glitter and gold Graffiti in the skyline With so many stories untold You there in the darkness Is it me Is it you Shadows dance with the wind Capturing  memories  that unfold The last laughter we held in our belly The last breath we both took Into your eyes iI stare And whisper somewhat loudly Welcome home  my dear ..read more

In the trench of my very own destruction zone To stubborn to say I’m on my knees Yet all alone secretly hoping Someone will help me please It’s completely my understanding My hand must reach out My voice must speak out But I feel so crippled by this insidious internal shout Down goes the booze to quell the commotion To wrestle away the evil of emotion This is the promise of the disingenuous potion Which continuously tugs at my devotion So just put it down you say Then perhaps it can begin to be okay Perhaps there truly is another way To rebound and reconnect to your soul Move past transgressio ..read more

Depression has found its way into my veins, sucking me dry of energy, desire and any level of care about anything.  Seems it was seeping as I was avoiding the reality of its claws.  I showed up at work, though stared through my computer screen without a wink.  I stood at the kitchen sink cutting vegetables envisioning the knife slicing my wrist..also without a wink.  Drove my car day to day without memory of where I started or half interested in where I was going.  Just driving I guess. All the while I keep up that disguise. The armor of strength that is seen on the ou ..read more

I have found myself lost. So fast. So alone.  The streets are dark.  Those negative thoughts a looming balloon.  The burst so painful.  The threshold once at its peak has fallen so low.  The blanket of cold air follows me everywhere.  My breath incessantly shallow. My heartbeat to callous to allow any love. Any comfort.  How to move on. How to insist I belong.  A knock at the door. A ring of the bell.  How do I sound my need to tell. The secrets. The lies.  I have the need to believe they protect from tears, and forever hide sadness in my eyes ..read more

Sometimes I hover at the intersection Of life and death Not certain of which to choose As the world callously speeds by I feel lost and alone Susceptible to those thoughts Those harmful suggestions I’m never really sure are my own Ambiguity at the crossroads Is not unique to me I am under no grand illusion It absolves the collective we The insidious pain I harbor Beneath the cloak of perfection Beneath the fear of rejection Only perpetuates my isolation Keeps me from the junction That might lead you to me ..read more

How often do you make time for the magic? A better question, selfishly, is can and do I make room for the magic. My husband bought me a beautiful bike for our anniversary. He often jokes other wives might ask for diamonds, but I wanted a nice sturdy bicycle to take me around. Probably to take me outside of the landmine that is my mind. Its sleek. Dark gray and fast. Fast like me. Fast like my thoughts. Fast like my moods sometimes. I even track my speed and distance on an Excel file. Physically I am always trying to do better. Can I beat my last time? And then, what does it really matter. I ha ..read more