I’m both wounded and wound up in thought. Both saddened and contemplative. Wishing things were not as difficult as they are, and yet knowing they are for the best. It’s a hard conclusion to draw when perspective is lost, but necessary. I can feel sorrow, and yet, know that stability has been the objective of all my actions. It might be unfair, or hurtful, but it is an unavoidable truth. Tonight the lights are out. Everyone is sick. I’m alone in the dark with my thoughts. With the repetition of my actions played out again and again. I feel the wounds I have caused now more than ever. Winding up ..read more

I’m both wounded and wound up in thought. Both saddened and contemplative. Wishing things were not as difficult as they are, and yet knowing they are for the best. It’s a hard conclusion to draw when perspective is lost, but necessary. I can feel sorrow, and yet, know that stability has been the objective of all my actions. It might be unfair, or hurtful, but it is an unavoidable truth. Tonight the lights are out. Everyone is sick. I’m alone in the dark with my thoughts. With the repetition of my actions played out again and again. I feel the wounds I have caused now more than ever. Winding up ..read more

For most people, this was a really shitty year. My introspection leads me to conclude it was not as awful for me as it was for most people: affected by the pandemic, unemployed, underserved or politically estranged. Maybe the best thing for people at this point is to set the whole year on fire and walk away… My year started poorly with a relationship concluded under distressing and saddening circumstances. I was sick in February as well, just as Rona was getting going. Typically my depressive cycles happen in the late spring and all of the accumulating negatives combined to drive me in to a ve ..read more

It’s been a while since I checked in. Typically this place serves to resolve the tumult, of which there hasn’t been much in the current configuration. Despite all the environmental stressors, things are good. I’m functioning at a high level and in charge of my path forward. The penalty of pain is a reminder that guilt from the past is a force to be realized in the present. Of course, this is abundantly true of regret. For all the mistakes I’ve made, I always find a way to rebound into the positive. I learned what keeps me stable, and pursue an environment that facilitates it. Sounds simple but ..read more

Now that things are finally starting to fall into a pattern, I am feeling a sense of relief and peace. My schedule has been accelerated since starting full time for NAMI last month, but the rewards of occupation are numerous. I find myself feeling more active and I have lost 13 pounds without the aid of excessive exercise. I find my mental acuity to be improved since smoking was not a part of my every two hour routine. I get a lot of shit done these days, and wondering about the ways I can take on more things. Not overburdening myself though, mind you. I have a limit and it is not yet reached ..read more

After more than 6 months of working from home, I am back in a physical space of employment to fulfill my new full time hours. The transition has been refreshing but tiring. From unstructured mush pile to the rigidity of alarms, bedtimes and long commutes – these have been the agents of positive fundamental change. I’m feeling more awake, refreshed and alert than ever before. I have been thinking a lot about my recent past. As you know, I disconnected from my ex a few months back after a bit of waffling by both of us on our dwindling future together. The second time she called it off I feel lik ..read more

I think about the good times of relative mental stability I’m having. How long will this last? Spinning… My mom is of deteriorating health. She refuses to admit the problem or get help. She struggles on in stubborn silence and suffers the consequences of neglect. Dad is already dying. Getting weaker by the day. His spirit is strong, but once he becomes unable to speak, he won’t want to be alive anymore. The future of these things happening has become suddenly apparent for some reason. Is this a rush of anxiety? Do I now realize my station is contingient on having a parent to take care of? I ne ..read more

Terminate Mourn Resolve Exfoliate Lacquer Congeal Arrive Absorb Endure Probe Inquire Reveal Hope   ..read more

When it is right, you know it? I’ve long believed in that, awaiting the validation of truth. Have and keep, not have and have ripped away, burned, exploded or otherwise lost. The only way to know is to walk forward, open, in anticipation of the uncertain road ahead. My canvas is white and not smeared with failure. I do not know, I only hope. I will fail again, only to procure a new surface to draw upon.   ..read more

I wish I could write it all out; just how I’m feeling inside… but the haze continues to obscure. I thought breaking away would being the calm I had been seeking… but instead, a chasm has opened. In to it go all my silent words, all the pain I had been stashing. Emptied. Now, though… I’m finally alone in my circumstance. All the stress is gone, but the misery remains. I still don’t know who I am, or what I want. I have so much left to give, and a lot of work still to do. Life is meant to be thought of with the arrow pointed up. My arrow is nowhere to be found at the moment. I am going away for ..read more