PARIS, FRANCE ― The 2024 Summer Olympics are kicking off this week, and with so many events, you’re likely wondering which ones are worth tuning in for. The short answer is none of them, because summer sports suck. However, if you still have a compulsive need to cheer when someone born in the same country […] The post Top 5 Olympic sports to watch this year that aren’t nearly as good as Winter ones appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

EDMONTON – Premier Danielle Smith fought back tears today as she announced that at least 30-50% of the town of Jasper, Alberta has been severely damaged by wildfires but she was adamant that all is not lost, because the Alberta oil industry is still going strong. “This event has been utterly devastating for the residents […] The post Danielle Smith: The loss of Jasper is tragic, but we can all take comfort in how much money the oil industry is still making appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

BRAMPTON, ON – Following news that Loblaws will settle a class-action bread price fixing suit for $500 million, the company has announced that all products sold in their stores will now carry a Bread Price-Fixing Settlement fee. The new fee will amount to a 10% surcharge on every food item, cleaning product, or weird Big […] The post Loblaws introduces new “Bread Price-Fixing Settlement” fee to all customers appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

MONTRÉAL – The government of Québec has confirmed that inspectors from the Office Québécois de la Langue Française have been monitoring conversations at a local hospital to ensure that patients dying in an underfunded healthcare system were doing so in the province’s official language. In a statement, Health Minister Christian Dubé clarified: “At a time […] The post Québec language inspectors check that patients are dying in French appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

Disney, United States – After the runaway success of Pixar’s sequel film Inside Out 2, the studio has announced a third film is in the works centering around their most controversial emotion-turned character yet, Diarrhea. “We’ve seen some very real and interesting emotions critical to a young girl’s childhood expressed in these films,” explained Meg […] The post Inside Out 3 to feature controversial new emotion, Diarrhea appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

CAPE BRETON REGIONAL MUNICIPALITY – In a surprise move, the residents of Cape Breton island in Nova Scotia have announced that as early as next year, Cape Breton will have its own small and incredibly annoying time zone right between the Atlantic Time Zone and the Newfoundland Time Zone.  “For too long, Cape Breton has […] The post Cape Breton to create new, more annoying time zone between Atlantic and Newfoundland time appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

EDMONTON – The Edmonton Oilers announced the hiring of Stan Bowman, the Blackhawks executive who helped cover up the sexual abuse of Kyle Beach by assistant coach Brad Aldrich, as part of their ongoing plan to become the league’s most hated team. “We started in a bad spot. We had a passionate, dedicated fan base […] The post Franchise with amazing fans, likeable superstars determined to become league villains appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

OTTAWA – Aides to Prime Minister Trudeau have reportedly spent several hours attempting to explain how Joe Biden, a similarly left-leaning incumbent with low polling numbers, actually willingly chose to end his re-election campaign. “So wait… he was headed for a certain electoral defeat where he was gonna drag his entire party down with him… […] The post Aides explaining to confused Trudeau how unpopular leader dropped re-election bid appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

WASHINGTON DC – With Joe Biden announcing his plans to drop out of the US presidential race, Donald Trump’s campaign has publicly asked the Democrats to nominate a similarly ineffectual octogenarian who will fit seamlessly into the GOP’s carefully crafted campaign messaging. “If you Democrats could do us one small favor, we’d really love it […] The post Trump campaign desperately hoping Democrats replace Biden with a different frail 81-year-old appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

WASHINGTON DC — In a move that has shocked employees around the world, Joe Biden announced today that he would be stepping out of the presidential race, making it the first time in recorded history that an ageing boomer has ever retired in order to let a younger person take their job. “Folks, I’ve had […] The post UNPRECEDENTED: Aging boomer retires to free up job for someone younger appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more