OTTAWA – After learning the new federal budget will increase the amount of tax paid by people who make more than $250,000 in capital gains in a year, Canada’s richest citizens are demanding their sacrifice be matched by an equal sacrifice from Canada’s poorest citizens. “Why should I have to pay more just because I […] The post Wealthy Canadians demand the Liberals also raise taxes on the capital gains of the poor appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

VANCOUVER – The Canadian Olympic Committee and the Canadian Paralympic Committee have partnered with the Alberta Beef Council to unveil the new athlete kits for the Paris 2024 Summer Olympics made entirely out of 100% Canadian Beef. “We are proud of our sustainable, biodegradable athlete uniforms that are stylish, functional, and ready for grilling,” said […] The post New Canadian Olympic uniforms made from real Alberta beef appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

OAKVILLE, ON – Heralding its new offerings as the culmination of nine years of intense laboratory research, Tim Hortons president Axel Schwan proudly announced that the franchise’s new lineup of pizzas are made with 100% Canadian cardboard. “We’re a proudly Canadian institution and we want to showcase the best Canada has to offer,” said Schwan, […] The post New Tim Hortons pizza made with 100% Canadian cardboard appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

CALGARY, AB – As sales of dog treats have plummeted around the country, dogs are embracing their bad boy side. Ralph, the Labrador Retriever, had become accustomed to receiving multiple treats on the daily. He got them when he sat and waited for Mandy to fill his bowl with breakfast, he got them on his […] The post Dogs embracing their bad boy side as sale of treats plummet appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

OTTAWA – The new Liberal budget was officially released yesterday, with the government unveiling a number of plans involving new programs and spending, including $10 bajillion dollars for whatever thing you happen to be into right now. “Today we are unveiling our most ambitious budget yet,” said Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland. “In it, we are […] The post Liberal budget promises 10 bajillion dollars to whatever thing you’re into appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

San Francisco, Zambia – Twitter née X programmer Terry Llyod has picked up a few night shifts in CEO Elon Musk’s emerald mine to pay off some of his rent. “It’s really my only option at this point,” explained Terry. “Elon is never there so you don’t have to laugh at what he believes are […] The post X employee takes extra shifts in Musk’s emerald mine to make ends meet appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

LOS ANGELES – With the passing of former football star and double homicide enthusiast OJ Simpson, the family has announced that the funeral procession will take the form of a highly-televised low-speed chase down the Los Angeles interstate. In accordance with his last wishes, Simpson’s casket will be loaded into the back of a white […] The post OJ Simpson funeral to feature ceremonial televised white bronco chase appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

LOS ANGELES – Former American football star turned actor turned guy who was found liable for killings but not convicted criminally OJ Simpson has succumbed to a battle with cancer, surrounded by the remaining family members who did not die at his hand. While much of Simpson’s life was surrounded by controversy, one thing observers […] The post OJ Simpson dies surrounded by family members he didn’t murder appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to Utah in 1979 and kept the name despite Utah having about as much to do with Jazz music as […] The post 10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

CORNWALL, ON – Jacob Ryland, 4th grader at Rose Elementary, got the best news of his life at 1:48PM last Wednesday when he was asked to pack up his things and go to the office to meet his mother for a doctor’s appointment he had completely forgotten about. Jacob’s jealous classmates stared in awe as […] The post Kid taken out of school early shocked by mundanity of adult world appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more