It’s AT&T, We Apologize for Thursday’s Outage and Also Why Won’t You Talk to Me!?
Points In Case
by Ethan Gilsdorf
1d ago
“It's AT&T. We apologize for Thursday's outage, which may have impacted you. As a valued customer, your connection matters and we are committed to doing better.” — Text sent by AT&T to its customers on Friday, February 23, 2024, 6:51 PM EST 7:00 PM: It’s AT&T again. We didn’t hear back so we just thought we’d check in again. How are things? How’s your Friday evening going so far? 8:27 PM: Hi. AT&T again. But you probably know that. Is your connection working OK? If not, be assured we’re not responsible this time. We’ve got it covered. If we caused another outage right away, we ..read more
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We Only Dumped Toxic Waste in Your Drinking Water to Raise Awareness of Hazardous Dumping
Points In Case
by Karl Lykken
2d ago
On behalf of the entire Lucy Fur Company, I would like to thank the reporters and protesters who have highlighted our company’s dumping of toxic waste into local rivers, lakes, and residents’ backyard wells, as their articles, petitions, and off-key chanting have helped achieve our ultimate goal: raising awareness of the dangers of improper disposal of hazardous materials. We know that in an age of widespread environmental destruction, only the most egregious examples will break into the news cycle, but together we put in the work to rise above the chatter and get our message out there. Congra ..read more
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How to Do the Perfect Squat
Points In Case
by Tom Ellison
3d ago
Performed correctly, a squat is a stellar functional movement which strengthens the glutes, quads, back, and core. Performed incorrectly, a squat will permanently compromise your physicality, doom you to infirmity, and bring your every slimy shortcoming to the forefront for all to see. The squat originated 420,000 years ago, when a Neanderthal named Hoog saw a tasty nut on the ground and invented bending down. We now know Hoog as the founder of Muscle Milk. Like with any exercise, nutrition is key to squat form. Consider fueling your squat with a high-protein meal the night before. No, not tha ..read more
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Did You Have to Invite Your Foley Artist Friends to Our Dinner Party?
Points In Case
by Anthony DeThomas
3d ago
Honey, can I see you in the kitchen? Excuse us, everyone. You know I appreciate your Foley artist friends and their ability to create realistic sound effects but did you have to invite them to our dinner party? I’ve really tried tonight, Janice. When I gave them a tour of the house earlier, they imitated and added to the sounds I was making because, apparently, my sounds “lack originality” and “have no soul,” and I “don’t push enough buttons.” Now every time I walk, they thump a loafer on a piece of linoleum. I mean dammit, their timing is perfect but you know I’m sensitive about my gait. And ..read more
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What Your Behavior at a Sit-Down Concert Says About You
Points In Case
by Sarah Lehman
5d ago
The shoulder sway: Live music allows you to reinvent yourself as a free spirit with a carefree attitude. Your chill new persona always feels like it will stick, but you plunge right back into generalized anxiety and a nagging sense of ennui as soon as the lights come up, wondering why on Earth you thought it was a good idea to take off your shoes—again. Ticketmaster is your most used app. Clapping along: You’re confident. Some would say overconfident. Toe tapping: As a child, you dreamed of becoming a banjo player who wears a straw hat and travels the country on foot, strumming the ol’ strings ..read more
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The Three Laws of Robotics, If Isaac Asimov Had Led a Different Life
Points In Case
by Lillie Franks
6d ago
The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was really into Partying A robot must not harsh the vibe, or by inaction, allow the vibe to be harshed. A robot must not yuck a guest’s yum, except where such yums are in conflict with the first law. A robot must protect its own buzz, except where such action would conflict with the first or second law. The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was more Passive-Aggressive A robot must not harm a human, which you’d think would mean it would be really careful about, through inaction, allowing a person to come to harm, but silly me, I guess. A robot must do wh ..read more
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If LinkedIn Existed During Biblical Times
Points In Case
by Samantha Lee
1w ago
HIRING: One male and one female of every animal. Please submit a cover letter explaining why you are the most qualified/fertile of your species. This is an unpaid position but there are life-changing benefits and a network of great connections available. The exact job description will remain confidential until the right candidates are found. Please do not inquire as to the specifics of this role/why we are hiring at this time, as all will be revealed eventually to any relevant candidates/everyone. ADAMFounder of Humanity I was talking to my favorite son the other day (kidding, I love both my s ..read more
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Restrictions to the Office’s Communal Robert’s Motorcycle
Points In Case
by Nick Windham
1w ago
Dear employees, A quick reminder that the office kitchen is a shared space. Please remember to pick up your belongings left on the counter or in the fridge. This courtesy applies to other communal spaces, listed below for your reference: Communal Kitchen Conference Room Phone Booth Robert’s motorcycle Bathrooms Not Communal My office Correction: Robert’s motorcycle is not a communal space. It’s an experience. Dear all, I’ve received some concerns about personal items being improperly used. Let me clarify, Robert’s motorcycle is only for employees whose parents never allowed them to have on ..read more
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What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
Points In Case
by Madeline Goetz
1w ago
Smoking kills. No way, I love my lungs. He will know. Taking a puff isn’t up to snuff. I am neither a joker nor a smoker. Sam will find out. No siree, no cigarette for me! Nah bro, that shit’s poison. I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. Sorry, I don’t smoke. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam. Smoking? Thanks, friend, but I think I’ll stick to breathing. Sam has a documentary crew following my every move. They take detailed notes on all of my meals and human interactions. I’d rather have a juicy fig than a stink ..read more
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Out-Of-Office Message from Someone Who Doesn’t Trust Their Team
Points In Case
by Esteban Gast
1w ago
Hi, Thanks for your email. I am out of office on my honeymoon for the next two weeks. If there's anything you need, please email our brand new administrative assistant Craig at craig@mediamedia.com. Although, Craig is still remarkably new in the role, so if your query needs an immediate answer, please email our Head of Production Amanda at amanda@mediamedia.com. Although, if I’m honest, Amanda has horrible email etiquette. One time she shared her screen during a meeting and I saw 12,000 unread emails. If you are looking for a faster response, please email Tom our Associate Director at tom@medi ..read more
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