I’ve been in the apostles' crew for almost a year now, but Jesus still makes me wear a nametag every time we hang out ..read more

Warm and wide-ranging and wise, a wonderful companion. Dignified, independent and reserved, but courageous and highly intelligent. Extraordinarily playful, vibrant and ambitious. Forceful, cerebral, and impeccably controlled. Plenty of substance but free of clumsiness. Neither cloddy nor cobby. As gentle and reliable as the tides. Full of courage, yet with clown-like qualities. Noble and dignified… characterized by solemnity, wisdom and power. A well-constructed package of dynamite. Dark with intelligent, keen and alert expression. Conveys an impression of supple strength, endurance and purpo ..read more

Hey, it’s me: your loved one in a movie. I know I’m just running out the door to grab some extra paper plates from the grocery store, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you. You know that, right? I know I’ve been super closed off my entire life, but, I don’t know, there’s something about right now that just makes me want to bare my soul to you. Yeah, we’ve had our fights, but you’ve always been dear to me. Like, I know we’ve had a rocky relationship, but I just want you and everyone at this party to know that I have an incredibly sad backstory and an inspiring outlook on life that would ..read more

In my Torah portion, Vayishlach, Jacob sends messengers to his brother Esau so Esau will visit and they can patch things up. They needed to fix things because many years before that, Jacob stole Esau’s blessing from their blind father who was also dying of old age. When Esau visits he forgives Jacob, but Jacob didn’t expect that because he thought Esau would still be angry. My Torah portion’s main theme was about misunderstandings. Misunderstandings like this happen all the time, both in the Torah and in real life. For example, one time I lost my orange Grand Canyon sweatshirt and so I thought ..read more

Dear Valued Constituent, Thank you for taking the time to contact my office and share your thoughts on the upcoming election. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out; your opinion matters a lot to me. So much so, that I encourage you to follow me on Twitter and Instagram, and also subscribe to my Substack. I take your concerns seriously, Constituent. Did you see my tweet from this morning saying I take everyone’s concerns seriously, accompanied by a gif from The Office? Well if you did, I need you to engage with that tweet, preferably a like, retweet, and quote tweet, so that we can spre ..read more

Food Poisoning This one is a classic. Right before your flight, call the groom and tell him that you’ve been up all night dealing with food poisoning, so you won’t be able to make it to the wedding. Nobody ever questions the food poisoning excuse. However, if you’re one of those people who fakes food poisoning to get out of everything (work events, your kid’s parent-teacher conference, other weddings), then people might see through your ruse. Also, food poisoning isn’t contagious, so a particularly insistent wedding party might not let you off the hook so easily. In that case, it’s time to up ..read more

Am I speaking to the man who kidnapped my baby boy? You have no idea who you’re dealing with, so let me lay this out for you and your criminal pals: Buddy? You just messed with the RIGHT guy! Worried I might embark on a border-spanning bloody warpath? You think I have that many air miles saved up? I wish! My boss limits my travel, on account of how planes give me anxiety. Plus, bathrooms in the clouds? God didn’t want man pooping so close to his kingdom! That ransom you’re asking for? No chance in heck I’m able to pay it. You might even have to keep him—ignoring the logistical pain of sending ..read more

THE BOSS This is your BOSS. It’s in all caps, because he (it’s a man, always a man) wants you to be clear that he is your BOSS. He’s a mid-level manager who likes to use terminology like “my project” and “our work” (i.e. your project and your work). The effort is collective unless it’s bad. Then it’s just your work. There’s no “I” in team. There is an “I” in “individual contributor.” In fact, there are four. And that’s what you are. Not him. You. Because you’re not anyone’s boss. He is. Are we clear? The One Who Thinks They're Your Boss This person quickly rose in the ranks for no reason other ..read more

Notable wins By and large, this has been a remarkable year for Burger Slut. We saw promising numbers from the Classic Slut, the Salty Bitch Burger, and the Beyond Meat Butch Burger, thanks to a boost from climate-conscious consumers. We closed Q1 with the successful launch of the Saucy Slut, the Double Slut, and of course, the Fat Chick, while the Spicy Fat Chick gained traction in pockets of western Jacksonville. Tater Tits saw a 58% lift after an aggressive push on social media, and we intend to keep potato TikTok on tot-watch with the Sweet Tater Tit launch this October. Risk factors Though ..read more

You claim that we are currently in Paris, France. You’ve been pointing at that river and calling it “the Seine” for hours. You keep waving that croissant in my face like it’s proof. You dragged me somewhere to watch a bunch of people driving around in a massive circle and said, “Look! Look! It’s the Arc de Triomphe! Now will you believe we’re in Paris?!” I’ve just got one question for you, my friend: If this is Paris, where are the accordions? Everybody knows that Paris and accordion music go together like baguettes and butter, cheese and wine, waiters and rudeness. I’ve watched Ratatouille a ..read more