24 June
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
Sometimes it feels like another day another health problem. I’ve had health issues since I was born but the list just gets longer and more complex every single year. Cerebral palsy, nerve damage, volkmanns, epilepsy, psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis, chrons disease, and recurring kidney stones. Let’s not forget the barrage of injuries and operations I’ve had to have over the years: 11 broken bones, appendicitis, shoulder decompression. Pulled tendons, hamstrings and slipped discs in my lower back. Oh yeah. Bulimia and depression. And now there’s a bunion which already affects my walking and ..read more
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12 June
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
And all of a sudden it’s as though I can breathe again. Pressure lifted. Wrongful commitments gone. Myself first. Once and for all. Finally. Relief flows through the strength of saying no. Self-love for my own worth driving me forward. Not looking back. Because I’m happier with it staying behind. Moving on, weight free. Content with me ..read more
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30 April
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
I can confirm the days of recovery get better but I sometimes wonder just how better I am. Although the unhealthy physical habits of bingeing, purging, over-exercising, restriction etc. are gone the mental side can scream so loud. I want to enjoy food the way most people do. To experience meals without the cries of whether or not I’ve eaten too much that day, if I’ve been active enough, if it’s on the meal plan and so on but I can never forget the age old question of “will I gain weight?”. There are days I’m quite relaxed but also days where the numbers are all I can think about. I don’t track ..read more
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3 April
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
My body has changed a lot the last year. My body actually looks the smallest it’s looked since I was really ill with bulimia. and I don’t fully know how I’m supposed to feel about that. And, the thing is, I’m happy that my body is smaller. I’m happy that I’ve changed healthily. But I also feel guilty for enjoying my smaller body, as though it invalidates my recovery because I’ve eventually lost the weight I gained. Do I have to be non-slim and overtly body positive to be in recovery? Or is it possible to be in recovery and lose weight at the same time? Sometimes I feel like the hardest part of ..read more
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26 February
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
Why do I always question myself? Questioning why I question myself…seems a decent summary of the post that’s about to follow. A little while ago I was at the GP surgery. There was some big delay and mishap with their systems so I was sat in her office whilst she went to print out some forms in a different room. I noticed a set of scales in the corner and I just could not help myself. I’d been weighed prior to my surgery in July 2020 but had not known my weight since then and I was just so unbelievably desperate to know. I’m aware I shouldn’t care about losing weight but I wanted to see if the ..read more
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5 February
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
I’ve had a relapse of sorts and it’s taken me nearly 8 months to realise. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve been in a constant full blown relapse that entire time but the warning signs were creeping back and I was simply choosing to ignore them. In June last year, 3 months into the pandemic, I started calorie tracking. I told myself for a month or so that I needed to track because I couldn’t control my exercise and, sometimes, even the food we had on offer. I was shielding and couldn’t leave the house. There’s also only so much working out at home can do for you as well. The pandemic hit my r ..read more
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15 January
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
2 weeks into the New Year and I’m pretty sure I don’t like resolutions that much. Well the crap ones anyway… For years I’ve hated that the most popular New Years resolution is usually along the lines of having something to do with losing weight. As a child and young adult I always felt the pressure of wanting to conform, wanting to do what society was telling me I should do, and that society was kicking every year off by telling me that my body was too big and I should lose weight. It told me to buy those skinny teas, diet pills and the latest fad diet (even more so because they were now on of ..read more
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Pecan Pie
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
Pecan pie – a dish I have had like probably two or three times in my life tops. Not even kidding. Funny how those two or three times I’ve absolutely LOVED it and yet never had it more than that. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve actually had the opportunity to have it that much. Maybe it’s not really an English dessert? Are pies more American? I digress. I’ve always wanted to learn how to make pastry but it always feels so daunting! Everyone tells you how hard it is going to be to make and bake perfectly so sometimes you feel that there’s no point in trying, right? Well, I’m here to tell you t ..read more
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27 September
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
Two weeks ago I had the privilege of speaking to a team of female swimmers in the US about my experience with bulimia as an elite athlete. Five weeks ago I wouldn’t have even thought that was a possibility. When the captain reached out to me on Instagram, I didn’t see the message for a while and it was such a pleasant yet overwhelming surprise. The captain had found my blog and spent a while trying to find me on Instagram (probably due to my many handle changes!). She explained that she was trying to raise awareness about eating disorders and wondered if I would be in a position to speak about ..read more
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20 September
The Recovery Lens
by Len
2y ago
I’m having a weekend full of weird and unexpected highs and lows. I had planned to write a different post this weekend (about an opportunity I had to speak about my ED to a swimming team) but that’s had to be postponed to allow me to process some triggers I’ve come across the past 48 hours. Firstly, on Friday night I found myself locked out my house for 5 hours, in my pyjamas and bunny slippers nonetheless! As part of those 5 hours, whilst at a neighbours house I nipped to the toilet and found myself facing a set of scales. Secondly, on Saturday, I had an impromptu meet up with a couple of fri ..read more
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