I stopped writing. I am not %100 sure why. But I think perhaps it is because nothing changed, or maybe things got worse. And instead of writing being cathartic I became aware of how my insides sounded to others. I never did start writing for others, but it morphed into that and then somehow, I could not write for myself anymore. So here we are, close to six years later and it still could have been this evening. I can still smell the hospital, see the tears running down our nurse’s face. I can hear the music playing on Chris phone and I remember the sweatshirt my brother was wearing while I ..read more

Almost 1,460 days since you left me. 34,040 hours since I held your hand, felt your kiss on my check heard your voice in my ear, “good morning mommy!” ; “Your such a silly monkey butt”. Thousands of hours have passed since you left, many trips around the sun. yet it was just yesterday for my heart. Even thought time passes, quickly in most instances, my heart stopped moving the day you died. My mind knows better, my body certainly knows time has passed but my heart didn’t get the memo. It still lives back in January of 2013, it waits for you to be healed, to open your eyes and tell me you ar ..read more

Lately the topic of fear has been on my heart. I feel like I am supposed to write something about it, except I am no expert in fear. Although I have learned quite a bit about not letting fear rule your life and make choices for you. This weekend I listened to our pastor talk about joy. And he asked what the opposite of joy was.  The standard response, I am sure, was sadness but I knew that couldn’t be true as I live with a smattering of sadness in all my days, in all moments of my day. I will always be sad because I will never stop loving Christian. I will never love him less or “get ove ..read more

Dear Christian HAPPY CANADA DAY! It has been too long. When I feel a pull on my heart to write you a letter I suddenly feel empty and tired. What could I write that I have not already said to you? Well that is crap and I know better. So many great things have happened in last few months; just watching little Joshy grow and learn has been a miracle in itself. I feel inspired now that I am back in Nova Scotia. I have gone to your bench almost everyday and every time I come down from the ladder I go over and blow you a kiss. Your bench reminds me to keep pushing, not to give in to my f ..read more

A Christmas morning kiss for Daddy Hello turkey pants, Its Christmas time and I find myself sitting between the fire and the tree but not feeling extremely festive. Not sure what is up this year but seems as though the Christmas spirit has been doused. I feel some days as though I am watching the world go around me like I am in a fish bowl. It seems like I am moving so slowly and the people are spinning around me out of control. I enjoy not feeling rushed or hurried like I “must” do a million and one “Christmas” things, events, crafts and cookies. The spirit of Christmas is just abou ..read more

I heard these words tonight, “nothing is lost forever…in this world there is a kind of painful progress longing for what we have left behind and dreaming of what is ahead”. After hearing these words I had a vision of myself struggling to get back to the life I once had, clawing at open space trying to return to the un-returnable. And I wondered how do we learn to live in the moment? How do we live in a time and space where we are not desperately trying to alter our circumstances to what we once had or what we think our future should hold? How do we learn to embrace all that we are given today ..read more

Keeping Christian alive with a little light sabre duel! L.O.V.E. Hello my little sweet pea….the nights are getting darker and colder. I am sitting here by the fire with a blanket on my legs and thinking that its been so long since I have written you a letter. I don’t even think that people are reading the blog anymore, but it doesn’t matter to me. This is about you and me and having a way to tell you how much I love and miss you. I cherish having a way to look back and see what Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua did with their days. What made me smile and what made me think. It seems t ..read more

Daddy and Christians last birthday celebration Dear Sweet Christian, Birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays, today is your daddy’s birthday (which I am certain you have already visited him and given him a hug and one of your sweet kisses where you run your hand down our cheek or hold our chin in your hand) and of course an important piece of our family is missing from the celebration. While we were in Nova Scotia Ryan turned 5, which I still cannot believe, and Joshua turned 2. Josh’s birthday is a bit of a shock to me, as his birthday will always represent the amount of time you h ..read more

Your first time up Jacob's ladder 2009 Hello sweet boy, On a random Sunday evening I am finally giving in and writing you a letter, like the call you have been meaning to make but you just can’t seem to pick up the phone. I spent the day with my feet in the Atlantic; I rubbed the sand of Brule beach on my legs and watched the kids playing in the sea. Josh wants to throw the ball for Maddie and Evelyn writes your name with angel wings in the sand. We had a girls night and finished off the day with a hot tub and a coffee, pretty much two of my favorite things. Now I sit in my room an ..read more

Our last mothers day together Dearest Christian It is the day after mothers day. I sat alone in your bedroom tonight; Ryan was asleep in the bed and i lay on the floor and organized your Hero Factory guys. Ryan has decided that he loves them and him and Evelyn have a new infatuation with Split face, Stormer, Corroder and Furno. I can’t decide if I love it or if it breaks my heart. I can only imagine the two of you playing Lego together  - developing what would surely be a tight bond that only brothers know about. Instead he plays with Evelyn, who loves to play with him and they ..read more