Seriously? None of the explosions I’ve ever seen looked like that.   HOLLYWOOD, CA — A new call center funded by multiple Hollywood production companies is starting to realize just how much veterans who have never deployed care about the details of military movies. The new complaint center’s call-handling software nearly crashed after being flooded with thousands of calls from those who “kind of served”. “I never realized that so many veterans were able to detail the exact way Navy SEALs conduct close-quarter combat. And did you know that snipers don’t actually put their barrels through ..read more

Just a bunch of guys having a bunch of fun. YOUR BASE, Your Current/Upcoming Duty Station — We regret to inform you that your entire section will be slated to (finally) attend a groundbreaking ceremony in the near future. We can imagine your surprise. We ourselves are surprised. After all, it seemed only yesterday someone near retirement told you the new facility was going to be moved to some other logistical black hole in 2010, before you were even in. That would have compounded the already substandard parking situation. But you will be relieved to know the powers that be have hashed out th ..read more

Yep. It all has to go. CAPITOL HILL, Washington, DC— A House subcommittee will begin deliberations next week over a data security bill that could force the VA to delete personally identifiable information (PII) from military headstones and memorials, officials confirm. The Subcommittee on Health is scheduled to review bipartisan House Resolution 6764, the Service Member Privacy and Caregiver Awareness Act. “We have a duty to protect service members’ personally identifiable information,” VA press secretary Terrence Hayes told reporters yesterday in an online press conference. “Here, Congress ..read more

Really could go either way at this point FORT CAVAZOS, TX — In a dilemma increasingly common among service members, Army Specialist John Richards is facing a tough career decision: whether to start a professional profile on LinkedIn or to dive into the world of content creation on OnlyFans. “It’s a real crossroads moment for me,” Richards admitted while scrolling through his phone. “On one hand, LinkedIn could help me network and land a solid job after the Army. On the other, I hear you can make a killing on OnlyFans just by showing off your daily PT routine and doing feet stuff.” Share Rich ..read more

I mean, is anyone else tired of waiting around for the inevitable? EVERYWHERE, USA— On Jan. 28, 2024, three US soldiers were tragically killed in a drone attack in Jordan, orchestrated and carried out by an Iranian militia group. US forces responded on February 2, striking 85 targets affiliated with the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps’ Quds Force. With those exchanges followed by Israel’s April 1 strike on the Iranian Embassy in Damascus and an Iranian cruise missile and drone attack against Israel on April 13, international peace advocate Russia is urging restraint while Americans ..read more

A slime-covered but victorious Nasrullah Shadazai rejoices. NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards has selected the Global War on Terror as the winner of its annual “Coolest War for Kids” award for a record 23rd year in a row. “Whether it’s the ability to get blown up in an errant drone strike, or pick up a rifle after nap time and pop some skulls, the War on Terror has always kept kids in mind,” the citation read. “And it has the coolest video games.” Share Hosts John Cena and Amanda Bynes presented the coveted orange blimp trophy to some Afghan villagers after ceremonially ..read more

An oopsie? Nope, just pure naval awesomeness.  THE OPEN OCEAN – The United States Navy has once again rammed ___ into a ___, fulfilling its quarterly task of aggressively posturing its capabilities against anyone who would defy them.  This is just another in a set of brilliant crashes. Let us not forget the time a ___ crashed ___ into another ___. Or the time the ___ jet careened itself into the ___. Or even when ___ went aground in ___. And the time ___ sank when it was not involved in combat operations. Or the ___ when the ___ hit the ___ in the ___ ..read more

Wilcox plans to eliminate the bulldozer to “optimize soldier fitness” FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following reports that base garbage bins at Fort Liberty were overflowing with uncollected trash, garrison commander Col. John Wilcox announced a groundbreaking new program that he promised would solve the garbage problem in no time. “I’m amazed no one’s thought of this before,” said Wilcox as he glanced at a formation of soldiers humping full trash bags toward the closest empty dumpster a mile away, “but what’s old is new again. This morning I signed a directive that each company at Fort Liberty will ..read more

DEI run amok? ARLINGTON, Va. — Current difficulties meeting recruitment goals are driving the Navy to overcome recruitment challenges with an aggressive and creative new plan: lowering standards for foreign spies and implementing a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding asking applicants’ pesky questions regarding citizenship and foreign ties. Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro spoke highly of the change at a press conference. “As you’ve seen, we have many foreign spies who wish to serve, so who are we to ignore a clear source of recruits? Even Chinese spies can mop and serve chow. Plus ..read more

FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Army Maj. Jonathan Dewnot, a man spoken of in the hallways of Fort Liberty with a mixture of dread and shock, has officially announced his anticipation of ascending to the esteemed rank of Toxic Lieutenant Colonel. Known for his “unique” leadership style that many liken to drinking bleach for motivation, Dewnot is ready to expand his horizons of torment. “I’ve been honing my skills in the fine art of toxic leadership for years, and I’m thrilled to take it up a notch”, declared Maj. Dewnot, while casually flipping through a handbook titled ‘101 Ways to Crush Souls’. “As ..read more