Pell’s ashes swept under carpet, in traditional Catholic ceremony
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
In a tasteful ceremony at Sydney’s St Mary’s Cathedral this morning, former cardinal and child-abuse enabler George Pell was laid to rest, his ashes swept under a beautiful ceremonial carpet, as is tradition in the Catholic Church. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, swept under the carpet, in God we trust,” the priest proclaimed, quoting the traditional Catholic verse, as he solemnly brushed any remaining evidence of George Pell under the beautifully-embroided carpet. Church scholars say the sweeping-under-the-carpet-ceremony is steeped in meaning. “It’s symbolic of our faith – we pretend somethin ..read more
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St Mary’s Cathedral evades protesters by moving George Pell’s body to another parish
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
St Mary’s Cathedral has dealt with the pesky problem of protesters outside George Pell’s funeral, quietly shifting the cardinal’s body to another church district while no-one was watching. “That’s our standard way of dealing with things. It’s not our problem now,” a Catholic Church spokesperson said. “If these protesters have an issue with the systematic abuse of children overseen by George Pell, then I’m afraid there’s nothing much we can do about it now. He’s no longer here”. Pressed further on Pell’s legacy as the most senior Catholic within Australia, the spokesperson said, “Sorry, who? No ..read more
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Peter Dutton to start using ChatGPT to bring more human touch to speeches
The Shovel
by The Shovel
3d ago
Saying he wanted to bring a warmer quality to his speeches and media appearances, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has confirmed he will start using the AI-generated robot ChatGPT to assist him with developing communications from now on. “I just want to show Australians that I’m not a robot. I’m actually a loving, compassionate human man and illegal immigrants are not literate or numerate,” a ChatGPT-generated statement, read by Peter Dutton, said. The Liberal Party leader said he had asked the chatbot to write a series of speeches in the style of a Peter Dutton, but human.   “Time doesn’t ..read more
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Majority of woman’s photos just screenshots of home screen
The Shovel
by The Shovel
3d ago
The photos from Melbourne woman Ashleigh Jamison’s recent holiday are pretty much just screenshots she took while trying to adjust her phone’s volume, it has been revealed. Scrolling through the holiday pics with friends, Jamison noted the beautiful picture of her on a beach, as well as the beautiful picture of her most-used apps. “This one is when we went on a day-hike, and this one is of the Google maps and weather icons on my phone. Stunning right? Oh … and this one is great too. A photo of all the apps I have on my iPhone screen. And here’s another one, just cropped a little differently. T ..read more
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Rio Tinto to leave no sacred rock-art unturned in search for missing radioactive capsule
The Shovel
by The Shovel
4d ago
Mining giant Rio Tinto has reassured authorities it will find the tiny radioactive capsule that went missing in WA this week, saying it will turn the place upside down as part of the search. “It’s possible the capsule has somehow got stuck in a truck tyre maybe, or a 45,000 year-old sacred Indigenous artwork perhaps. Once we get a sense of where it might be, we’ll meticulously extract it using 20,000 tonnes of explosives. You won’t even know we’ve been there,” a spokesperson for Rio Tinto said. “It’s a bit like when you lose something at home. You pull the joint to pieces until you find the th ..read more
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“Young people don’t have any taste in music anymore,” says guy who voted for Denis Leary’s ‘Asshole’ in 1993
The Shovel
by The Shovel
6d ago
A man who helped a comedy song about weeing on toilet seats and misusing disabled parking spaces reach number one on 1993’s Hottest 100, says today’s listeners don’t have any sophistication in their music tastes. “It’s all just silly, lowest common denominator stuff these days,” said the man who two years later was responsible for the song ‘Who Farted’ entering the countdown. “It’s all absolute rubbish really. It’s so immature and derivative – the countdown was definitely better in my day,” he said, referring to the time period when ‘Pretty Fly For A White Guy’ topped the vote ..read more
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Dad tells awestruck children story of how he survived entire school day without 1.5 litre water bottle
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Children from around the neighbourhood gathered today to hear dad Tom Haywood tell the seemingly inconceivable tale of how he used to go from 8:30am to 3:30pm each weekday without a 1.5 litre bottle of water at his side at all times. “But it’s just not possible Mr Haywood!” the children cried, as the 41-year-old recounted how he managed to survive on nothing but a drink at a water fountain before school, during recess, during lunch and after school. “That’s only four drinks in a seven-hour period! How did you go for so long! That’s child abuse!” they screamed. “That’s the 80s,” he corrected th ..read more
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Migrants failing to assimilate, 200-year-study finds
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Migrants to Australia have displayed an inability to assimilate with local values and refuse to speak anything but their native tongue, a study covering the last 200 years has found. The study confirms a popularly-held belief in parts of the country that migrants simply refuse to fit in. Boat people from as far back as 1788 didn’t bother applying for passports or visas, were set on introducing their own laws, and, in many cases concealed criminal records, according to the damning report. Chief researcher Marianne Williams said migrants have stubbornly refused to adapt to the local culture ..read more
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Asylum seekers to travel to Australia by tall ship, in hope of being able to stay for next 250 years
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
A group of asylum seekers from Iraq say they’ve heard that if you arrive in Australian waters in a fleet of eighteenth-century tall ships, you’ll be automatically granted permission to stay for as long as you like. “You don’t need a visa. Just a tall ship and a sense of self-entitlement,” one man in the group explained. “Usually if you come to Australia by boat you get turned around or sent to Nauru, but this is a historical loophole apparently. We’ve heard you even get free land!” He said there was no requirement to provide any notice, or understand the local language or customs. “There’s no ..read more
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Man struggles at making conversation without telling people he’s doing Dry January
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Perth man Tom Griener says he finds it difficult to make it through a BBQ or dinner party unless he’s got two or three fascinating stories about how he’s doing Dry January under his belt. “Whenever I’m in a social situation I feel like I can’t relax unless I’ve cracked open my first day-by-day story about how I’m going without alcohol for a full month. It’s a real problem,” he said. “I get in large groups and it doesn’t feel right unless I’ve got a smug anecdote on the go about not drinking for four weeks. It’s generally not until I’m four or five stories in that I feel totally relaxed ..read more
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