What goes up must come down. I remember the chant from our favourite Disney ride in Florida. It’s beyond corny with chipmunk voices and puppets along the train route of Big Thunder Mountain. The ominous warning within the song as the wee train gradually climbs and then it comes-the drop-the cheesiest of roller coaster delivers the thrill. Wide smiles and pleas of can we do it again? Our kids were still young enough to enjoy the simple joys of Disney. I was never particularly interested in going to Disney but after Andrew went on a business trip to Orlando, we decided that we should ..read more

It’s been a quiet writing time. But for good reasons in the main. Last weekend we had a special time with friends. We weren’t far from home but it felt special with the sea close by, beautiful food and wonderful company. The day we came away I got my last scan results and they were really encouraging. The cancer in the liver was slightly reduced so the cancer is being controlled even with the reduced dose of olaparib. I feel so very fortunate. Instead of the potential to count my future in months that’s now opened up. No guarantees of course but hope opens up some possibilities. So at leas ..read more

  I’m hesitant to say the words but in the main I’ve had a settled time with my health. I’ve a million smaller complaints and I have tried to thole them. Just build them into my normal and accept that someone in my position will have many symptoms and that chasing all of them is the way madness lies.  When Beverage planned the NHS he thought that if everyone had access to free healthcare at the point of need then the need for the NHS would decline. But instead he discovered the onion principle. That as you peel off one layer of illness the another emerges. And that’s what I’m like ..read more

In the recent  interview with the BBC they referred to me as terminal. That word triggered lots of people I know to be in contact me. It’s not a word I use. I’m not even sure it’s accurate. The world of secondary breast cancer is now a journey into the unknown. So far the only drug that’s worked for me is olaparib and it’s only available off license to me. No one knows how long it will work and right now I’m working on the basis I’m doing ok and hoping it will stay like this for a very long time. I set some dates in my head….if I can get to…..but don’t say them out loud for fear of tem ..read more

 I am thinking about how to capture this space between life and death.  But Is it fair to call it that? After all in this space I’ve launched a book. I’ve planned webinars, I’ve been interviewed about assisted dying. In many ways it’s a fertile time, unfettered by work or demanding expectations. The photo below was taken when I was interviewed by the BBC about my thoughts on the issues with regard to the assisted dying bill in Scotland. A challenging issue for which there isn’t one answer. But it’s a good time to explore it.  The greatest demands for us however come in t ..read more

  It’s not peculiar to cancer but waiting for results can be the worst time of all. Last week I had really quite bad scanxiety. Yes it’s so bad it’s got its very own word. I had a follow up scan after a few months on olaparib at a lower dose. The truth is I’d been tolerating the drug fairly well apart from anaemia. So I’d had a transfusion after feeling the effects of anaemia; from breathless, swollen ankles and being a sleepysaurus. It helped me and life has been a bit better. BUT was it stopping the cancer ? That was the question and so I approached the scan with some trepidation.&nb ..read more

 I’ve never been drawn to writing a bucket list. What I’m able to do changes regularly and it would lead to list of cant do’s and a loss of gratitude for what I can do. However I did hear once about a fuckit list. Now that’s worth exploring.  So I’m thinking of compiling - over time- a list of things that are shoulds which one way or another will burden me at this stage in my life ( or let’s be honest at any stage in my life so far) and I am therefore seeking to ditch, perhaps with a suitable ceremony?  So far and so at the top of my list is ‘lose weight’. Honestly it’s so i ..read more

 I find myself constantly changing timescales in my head. I never commit them to paper or even say them out loud. It means my level of comfort with planning varies. A passing comment like ‘let’s do this every year’ makes me hesitate before I reply. Yes definitely, my reply. And that hesitation expresses my doubt in my future. But strangely sits alongside the part of me that assumes a full future. That’s the part of me that keeps moving forward.  It’s hope that creates the momentum to keep going. In the past I’ve watched friends and family approach each stage in their cancer journ ..read more

  I’ve had an amazing week and I’m still lifted by the different experiences. I’ve been talking about my book, The Journey to Better Times,a quote from a doctor I worked with, when I went back to work overwhelmed by loss and grief. He quietly took in my demeanour and said softly, there will be better times.  He was so right and this last week has been among the many times to savour since my first diagnosis of breast cancer. At first it was my birthday and whilst I’m  a bit old for balloons and blowing out candles on a cake, my wonderful family treated me to a super f ..read more

  It wasn’t Happy New Year I heard, it was “We need to admit you today for intravenous antibiotics”. The day was December 31 2023. The previous few days, since Christmas, for me, had been a series of tests, surprising new diagnoses like very low cortisol and then this. I had a bacteria in my blood that needed treated imminently with a broad spectrum IV antibiotic. The next few days identified the bug as rare and it took several days to find a suitable oral antibiotic ( and from there the journey home). I was isolated in a single ward due to RSV and the bleakness of the room itself led ..read more