Scanxiety?
Audrey Birt's blog
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2w ago
  It’s not peculiar to cancer but waiting for results can be the worst time of all. Last week I had really quite bad scanxiety. Yes it’s so bad it’s got its very own word. I had a follow up scan after a few months on olaparib at a lower dose. The truth is I’d been tolerating the drug fairly well apart from anaemia. So I’d had a transfusion after feeling the effects of anaemia; from breathless, swollen ankles and being a sleepysaurus. It helped me and life has been a bit better. BUT was it stopping the cancer ? That was the question and so I approached the scan with some trepidation.&nb ..read more
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Number one on the fuckit list is….?
Audrey Birt's blog
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3w ago
 I’ve never been drawn to writing a bucket list. What I’m able to do changes regularly and it would lead to list of cant do’s and a loss of gratitude for what I can do. However I did hear once about a fuckit list. Now that’s worth exploring.  So I’m thinking of compiling - over time- a list of things that are shoulds which one way or another will burden me at this stage in my life ( or let’s be honest at any stage in my life so far) and I am therefore seeking to ditch, perhaps with a suitable ceremony?  So far and so at the top of my list is ‘lose weight’. Honestly it’s so i ..read more
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Future times?
Audrey Birt's blog
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1M ago
 I find myself constantly changing timescales in my head. I never commit them to paper or even say them out loud. It means my level of comfort with planning varies. A passing comment like ‘let’s do this every year’ makes me hesitate before I reply. Yes definitely, my reply. And that hesitation expresses my doubt in my future. But strangely sits alongside the part of me that assumes a full future. That’s the part of me that keeps moving forward.  It’s hope that creates the momentum to keep going. In the past I’ve watched friends and family approach each stage in their cancer journ ..read more
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Some good times
Audrey Birt's blog
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1M ago
  I’ve had an amazing week and I’m still lifted by the different experiences. I’ve been talking about my book, The Journey to Better Times,a quote from a doctor I worked with, when I went back to work overwhelmed by loss and grief. He quietly took in my demeanour and said softly, there will be better times.  He was so right and this last week has been among the many times to savour since my first diagnosis of breast cancer. At first it was my birthday and whilst I’m  a bit old for balloons and blowing out candles on a cake, my wonderful family treated me to a super f ..read more
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Wishing you guid health and happiness from mine to yours.
Audrey Birt's blog
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2M ago
  It wasn’t Happy New Year I heard, it was “We need to admit you today for intravenous antibiotics”. The day was December 31 2023. The previous few days, since Christmas, for me, had been a series of tests, surprising new diagnoses like very low cortisol and then this. I had a bacteria in my blood that needed treated imminently with a broad spectrum IV antibiotic. The next few days identified the bug as rare and it took several days to find a suitable oral antibiotic ( and from there the journey home). I was isolated in a single ward due to RSV and the bleakness of the room itself led ..read more
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A peaceful, heartful Christmas for you all.
Audrey Birt's blog
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3M ago
I imagine it’s not surprising that it’s hard to write in the run up to Christmas, especially with a recent diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. More than last year I’ve definitely felt the need to explore the “what if it’s my last Christmas”? It’s like using the tongue to probe the source of the toothache. Braced for pain but surprisingly numb.  But this week the numbness has worn down. I’ve become messily tearful.   Our dog Cara died this year and I’m remembering her loss in April. I miss her gentle soul. I’m not sure the cat does however as he never goes near her bed any ..read more
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Ticking clocks and who cares.
Audrey Birt's blog
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4M ago
  A early sight of the Botanic garden lights  Well it’s been a week or so of two half’s. We had a wonderful weekend with friends in Fife again.We enjoyed good food and even better company. The discussions ranged from climate change to life’s transitions like future weddings, fun toddlers and hospice support. All of life’s shades and colours helping really honest conversation.  The new date is already booked time to come together in early spring. Ever the optimists. When we arrived home we discussed how valuable the weekend had been for us both. It’s so valuable to be able ..read more
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A meeting of worlds
Audrey Birt's blog
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5M ago
  A meeting of worlds The last few weeks for me have been quite exciting in some ways, testing of my energies and health and an opening of support and care.  But the backdrop to this as we know has been a very turbulent time in the world. I’ve tried to engage with this, with friends deeply grieving for their friends and donating to support. Not just in Israel and Gaza but also Ukraine whose people face and uncertain time with winter approaching. I’m aware of them all and trying to do our best. I try to do what I can but also step back and use my energy wisely and not lose the ba ..read more
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Is it Autumn now?
Audrey Birt's blog
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6M ago
 It’s been a time of tense appointments, antibiotics and wandering cats. It’s supposed to be autumn but the trees are holding onto their green leaves and enticing us with thoughts of sunny days. But the nights are changing and our solar lights  spring in to life earlier and earlier. The bees ( thats the lights)cheer up our patio aimed at warming the winter nights,  a contrast to the darkening skies.  A series of urine infections have me wearing out the carpet trotting back and forth to the toilet, cursing the side effects and the relentlessness of it. Honestly I h ..read more
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Using your bounces wisely!
Audrey Birt's blog
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7M ago
 Autumn awaits I found I hadn’t the drive to write this blog last month. We’ve had precious time with family and fitted in some well paced fringe shows as well as the final concert of the Edinburgh International Festival which was an inspiring conclusion to August in Edinburgh.  I’ve crashed and burned too at times. The worst being a flare up of rheumatoid arthritis. Grim. Additional treatment, pacing and a referral back the rheumatology has helped. But it’s left me rather shaken. And now I have another urine infection. I’m accepting that with so many conditions, this is my life. B ..read more
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