If I’m doing so great, if everything “looks okay”… why do I not feel “normal”? Why am I still in so much pain ..read more

Having chronic pain/illness is being labeled as “never wanting to do anything” when the reality is that you do want to do the things, but are physically incapable of doing the things ..read more

How am I supposed to love a body I’ve only ever viewed as a prison ..read more

Into the void again. The unremitting spiral. You have failed. You are a failure. You can do something about this. What are you doing? Fix it. Why won’t do something about this? Fix it. You’re better than this. You’re smarter than this. You know better. You’re stupid. You’re useless. What’s wrong with you? Do something ..read more

Why am I fighting so hard for a future I never even stood a chance at getting ..read more

I concede. You win. I’m done fighting. You’ve been on a path of destruction for nearly a decade now, and in that time I fought. Oh, how I fought. I put out as many fires as I could, I forced my way through, I fought to survive in the storm. And I did it all with a smile. A placid mask of faux happiness. But I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to lock myself away and secretly sob in mourning. I don’t want to have your presence constantly linger. I don’t want to have my identity tied to you. I don’t want to fighting for this idolized version of things in my head. So I give up ..read more

I don’t drive. I know, I know. It’s a controversial topic when you’re a handful of years past the age and haven’t even done as much as gotten a permit. If you have something to say, trust me, I’ve heard it all. “You don’t drive?!” “Don’t you want to be independent? Aren’t you tired of relying on someone?” “Why? Are you scared?” “Just go take the test! You don’t really have to do anything.” They simply can’t grasp the idea that I haven don’t such a simple thing. It’s so easy, after all. It took a few years for it to stop bothering me as much— I would be lying if I said it’s not a sore topic eve ..read more

I think I’ve been in mourning for years and I never even realized it. Mourning what was my idea of my ideal self. Mourning a future I’ll never have. Mourning the person I’ll never become. This is what they don’t understand— the grief. The heartache of the ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have been’s’— the detrimental spiral. There is no solution. No cure. There is only a feeling of helplessness. Desultory acceptance ..read more

“ It’s ludicrous! Is this how my life is going to be? Are injuries from merely existing going to start appearing out of thin air now more frequently? How am I going to live? How am I going to take care of myself? I can’t be who I want to be because I’m trapped inside this stupid body!! I can’t even be alive let alone be as active as I want! I can’t even give blood ..read more

I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting— fighting to feel ‘normal’, fighting to live a life doing whatever I want, fighting my body. I just want it all to end. I’m done fighting… I can’t anymore ..read more