When we’re struggling in a relationship, our attention is often drawn to problems, either in the relationship, our partner or ourselves. This makes sense from a survival perspective, because one of the jobs of our mind is to protect us by being on the lookout for things that could go wrong. This is what’s called negativity bias. The negative bias refers to our tendency to not only notice negative stimuli more easily than positive stimuli, but to also dwell on it for longer. One way to counteract the negativity bias in your relationship is get to know the other side of the coin, each other’s st ..read more

Rituals can be an important way for you and your partner to prioritise each other and build a sense of meaning in your relationship. Rituals don’t need to be elaborate or time consuming. They can be small, daily acts that connect couples, but they can of course also be more involved, special celebrations. By building rituals into your relationship, you’re effectively building a “culture” that makes your partnership special and unique. Some examples of rituals include: How you say goodbye and hello at the end of your work day The way you spend the first and last part of your day together How y ..read more

When you notice conflict getting heated, deliberately slow things down by making an effort to genuinely listen to each other. Active listening skills are a powerful (and deceptively simple) way for couples to  turn down the emotional volume of an argument. When it’s your turn to listen, resist acting on any urges to interrupt, defend yourself or blame the other person. Instead of planning what you’ll say next, try to simply listen. You might need to keep reminding yourself to do this repeatedly as your partner speaks! Active listening skills can involve doing things like paraphrasing, sum ..read more

This is a hard truth to stomach. So hear us out. We’ve all been sold a myth. The false promise that when we find “the one” all of our problems will be solved. We’ll be rescued. Our loneliness, our heartache, our feelings of insecurity – they will all disappear. The truth is though, happiness is an inside job. When we make it an outside job – when we make it someone else’s responsibility – we lose our power, our freedom and often we lose our sense of self. This also puts an unsustainable amount of pressure on our partner be “perfect”. And while this might work for the honeymoon period of a rela ..read more

If you’re wondering why you have waves where you suddenly feel bowled over by big emotions, “COVID reminders” might be part of the reason for the sudden shift. Think of COVID reminders like triggers. They’re anything that reminds you that you’re living in a pandemic. They can be subtle and they might take you by surprise. They’re not all doom and gloom though. In fact, some reminders might leave you laughing and feeling more connected to others. Still, when they come up you might notice a part of you feeling bummed by once again being faced with reality. Here are a few COVID reminders that you ..read more

For many of us living in Victoria, particularly Melbourne, reality right now is messy and confusing. Here are just some of the ways that life might feel contradictory during COVID: We’re all in this together (which is comforting) AND our experience of this is different (which can leave us feeling alone). You feel grateful for parts of your situation AND you feel waves of sadness and anger for what you’ve lost and what has changed. You like some things about life right now AND you long for things to go back to the way that they were. You can get through all kinds of challenges at work AND you ..read more

Usually when we’re wading our way through something so draining and life changing, there’s someone we can turn to for a pep talk, a vent or a big cry. What’s tricky though is that at least some of your support network is also likely to be experiencing the same struggles as you right now. A lot of the time it can feel comforting, recognising that we are working together against a common enemy. Other days though, knowing we’re all in this together is part of what makes life feel so heavy. Here are some thoughts on why this might be: As a society we don’t have the same energy levels and resource ..read more

Life feels like a lot right now. That’s because most of us are operating in survival mode. We’re working our butts off just to meet our basic needs. Figuring out what to cook for dinner, trying to push yourself out the door for some fresh air and exercise, wrangling kids, getting enough rest, juggling work or being out of work, doing all the things we need to do to keep safe from coronavirus. All of this can mean you don’t have much energy left over for the people or activities that usually bring a little bit of sparkle to your life. And even when you do notice a glimpse of motivation, many of ..read more

It’s not me, it’s you. It’s not you, it’s me. Are there parts of your partner that really get on your nerves? Ways that they behave or personality traits that you just can’t stand? When this happens be curious about whether you are actually “seeing” a part of yourself in your partner. A part of you that you don’t like or perhaps aren’t even aware of. In psycho-babble terms this is what’s called “projection”. Projection is a defence mechanism that involves disowning a part of yourself that you feel ashamed of, wish wasn’t there or that you’ve received judgement for in the past. You then see thi ..read more

Journalling is a private experience, but it doesn’t have to be one that we do alone. As a way to connect and raise our self-awareness together, recently on Instagram we’ve been posting a few prompts each day to inspire your own journalling. You can join in with us here. If you’ve never tried journalling before now could be the ideal time to give it a go. Here are some of the ways that journalling can boost your mental health: The act of writing can help us to understand what’s happening around us. When we can make sense of things, even if we don’t want or like what’s happening, we can feel a ..read more