The Onion
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The Onion
4M ago
Former President Donald Trump’s campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do you think?
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The Onion
4M ago
WASHINGTON—Lambasting the Democratic vice presidential candidate across social media platforms, J.D. Vance reportedly accused Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Tuesday of stolen valor for wearing an apron that said “Grill Master.” “Tim Walz is a liar—he has never attained the rank of grill master,” said Vance, attacking Walz…
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The Onion
4M ago
THE HEAVENS—Sipping on a Diet Coke as He described the mix of alcohol and pills He had lived off of for years, a newly sober God admitted Tuesday that He had no recollection of creating the universe. “Everyone tells Me I made light and darkness, sea and sky, but to be honest, I was blacked out for most of that…
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The Onion
4M ago
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Lending credence to the already widespread theory about the young man you fancy, an imaginary study published Tuesday by Harvard University found that your crush wasn’t texting you back because his feelings were so powerful that they frightened him. “Our research strongly indicates that the guy who gives…
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The Onion
4M ago
NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Refuting accusations of stolen valor by claiming his hands were permanently stained with the blood of his enemies, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz told reporters Monday that he had killed before and would kill again. “To those who have attempted to discredit my military record, let me…
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The Onion
4M ago
American gymnast Simone Biles edged out Brazil’s Rebeca Andrade to clinch gold in the all-around gymnastics finals at the Paris Olympics which, at 27, makes her the oldest Olympics women’s gymnastic champion since 1952. What do you think?
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The Onion
4M ago
Three people have now died in a listeria food-poisoning outbreak linked to Boar’s Head deli meats, bringing the overall number of people sickened to 43. What do you think?
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