After questioning Kamala Harris’s fitness for the Presidency due to the fact she has never had children, Republicans have been stunned to discover Donald Trump has never had children either. Crisis meetings were called at Republican headquarters, with many saying Trump should pull out of the race. “I’m just not sure he has the life experience that’s required to hold office,” one Republican said. “I mean, without having had a child, can we trust him? Can we rely on him to understand the needs of everyday Americans? Does he even know what children are? I’m just not sure anymore”. On Monday, cons ..read more

A 78-year-old man who believed he beat Barack Obama in a Presidential election and confused Nikki Hayley with Nancy Pelosi is surprisingly still running for office, despite clear signs of cognitive decline. Experts have expressed concern at the sharp mental deterioration of the septuagenarian, who earlier this year referred to his wife as ‘Mercedes’ rather than Melania, often goes on strange rambling tangents, and fell asleep at his own criminal trial. He has also confused Jeb Bush with George W Bush, mixed up the President of Hungary with the President of Türkiye, and thanked supporters for c ..read more

After trying every other tactic imaginable to get the President to stand down, senior Democratics decided to just tell Joe Biden his eight years was up and thank him for his service. Former President Barak Obama said after weeks of unsuccessful attempts it was time for a different strategy. “I just sat him down and said ‘Joe, it’s 2028 now, it’s time to say goodbye to the White House. And he immediately stoop up from his desk and left,” Obama explained. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said he phoned Biden to thank him for the last eight years. “I told him that his second term was terrific ..read more

A day after wearing bandages on their right ears, Trump fans have arrived at the Republican National Convention dressed as toddlers, in a touching tribute to their hero. “The ear thing yesterday was a nice touch, but we wanted to go further, to really embrace the full persona of Donald Trump,” one fan at the Convention said. “We’ve been standing here in our diapers, shitting our pants, throwing tantrums, whining about petty little gripes that have hurt our feelings. We just want to make Trump feel at home,” he said. Another supporter said he had already cried twice today because someone had te ..read more

OPINION “As we come to terms with the assassination attempt of Donald Trump this week, we need to remind ourselves that this type of political violence could be replicated in any country that has a per-capita gun ratio of 120 firearms per 100 people. Yes, it was the US this time around. And the last time around. And the time before that. And, sure, probably the time before that too. But we need to be alert to the fact that this sort of politically-charged shooting could happen literally anywhere that has a pathological obsession with guns to the point where school shootings pass almost without ..read more

Suggestions that the Labor Party had any knowledge of bikie gang infiltration at the construction union the CFMEU is ridiculous, according to Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, who says he wants to be referred to as Tony ‘Mad-Dog’ Albanese from now on. In a heated media conference, a leather-clad Albanese strongly rejected claims of any knowledge of untoward behaviour, saying he had full confidence in his team, and Victorian Premier Jacinta ‘The Hammer’ Allan. “I have a long association with the union movement but, as I said to my Chief of Staff Joe Knuckles this morning, we can’t be expected to ..read more

Joe Biden is suffering from late-stage dementia, is unfit for any job of any kind and also devised and implemented a complex assassination attempt involving dozens of compromised Secret Service officers, local police, and a 20 year-old Antifa shooter posing as a Republican, Trump supporters say. “Biden is so confused and disorientated he can hardly string a sentence together,” said one Trump supporter, who also believes Biden carefully masterminded the assassination attempt to make it look like it was carried out by a twenty-year-old nursing home worker, meticulously covering all traces of his ..read more

A construction union that uses bikie gangs as hired muscle was shocked when told that work could only be carried out between the hours of 8am and 4pm, with an allowance for a one-hour lunch break, sick leave, RDOs and paid smoko breaks. “I can certainly break the knees of that gentlemen who hasn’t paid his bills. But given I’m on a paid mental health day today, that will have to wait until Monday,” one bikie told his union contact. Another bikie reminded the union that threatening a CFMEU client after 9pm would now attract a double-time penalty rate. “Threatening to break someone’s skull in br ..read more

America’s peak gun lobby says this weekend’s shooting, which saw a man fire at Donald Trump with an AR-15 from a nearby rooftop, is further evidence of the need for an urgent nation-wide ban on building coverings. In a press conference following the incident, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre said the time for complacency was over. “America has more rooftops than any other nation in the developed world. We have an obsession with rooftops and without them, today’s events would never have happened,” he said. He called on the Government to immediately ban all rooftops, with a grace period for rooftop owners ..read more

Bill Shorten has confirmed the Government will ban access to sex workers via the NDIS, saying it is ‘unnecessary’ when so much of the NDIS is designed to fuck recipient. “It’s inadequately funded, overly complex and under-resourced, so I can assure you people are getting very fucked, very regularly. Shorten” said. “The fucking is built into the system, there’s no need to pay extra for this”. ‘Toys of a sexual nature’ will also be banned from funding after an inquiry found that taxpayers were already spending money on a bunch of dildos in Parliament House. The NDIS still provides public funds f ..read more