Nationals to Cap Amount of Sunlight
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1d ago
The National Party will push for a 3-hour-a-day limit on sunlight if elected, with similar restrictions to be considered for the amount of allowable daily wind. Nationals leader David Littleproud said sunlight was an obsession of left-wing inner-city elites, but did not reflect the desires of mainstream Australians. “Allowing the sun to shine all day is inefficient and wasteful – the vast majority of the heat is lost – and ordinary Australians don’t need it anyway. So we’re going to put a cap on it,” Littleproud explained. “Three hours of sunshine a day is more than enough. If you need more he ..read more
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Pauline Hanson Accuses New Chinese Pandas of Taking Jobs From Australian Pandas
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2d ago
One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson says the new pandas promised to Adelaide Zoo by Chinese Premier Li Qiang are queue jumpers. In a video message this morning, Hanson said Australian pandas should be given priority at Australian zoos. “This is Australia. And in Australian zoos, panda enclosures should be for Australian pandas, not foreign imports,” she said. “I don’t want to live in an Australia where our pandas are Chinese. It’s time to bring some common sense back into our panda policy” she said. The controversial Senator said we were in danger of being swamped by Chinese pandas. “You let two ..read more
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Rishi Sunak Reveals Childhood Struggles: “I Went Without Many Things: A Personality, Self-Awareness, Media Training …”
The Shovel
by The Shovel
5d ago
British PM Rishi Sunak has hit back at suggestions he had a privileged upbringing, saying he missed out on a lot as a child. “I went without many things: a personality, self-awareness … media training as it turns out,” he said in an interview this week. “Charm, any sense of gravitas, the ability to talk about my party’s policies without sounding like I’m auditioning to be a children’s TV presenter,” he continued. “An understanding of the significance of important historical events, an ability to relate to ordinary people. The list goes on. “So it’s wrong to say I always got what I wanted. I on ..read more
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Coalition to Announce Its 2030 Emissions Targets in 2050
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Peter Dutton has finally put a date on when his party will reveal its 2030 emission reduction targets, saying Australians only had to wait another 26 years to see the detail. “We’re not going to rush into this. We’ll take a measured approach, which means waiting to see how much Australia’s emissions are in 2030, allowing a further two decades to pass, and then putting in place a target that is no longer relevant,” Dutton said today. He denied his party was shirking responsibility by not putting a target in place now. “No, I don’t accept that at all. Like I’ve just said, we will put a target in ..read more
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Dutton to Cancel Climate Change if Elected
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton says that if he wins the next Federal election he will make withdrawing from climate change his first act of office. In a speech to media today, Dutton said there was clearly no appetite for climate change in Australia at the moment. “It’s just not popular, so why persist with it? “And when you consider the terrible predictions from scientists on this, why would you want to keep it going anyway? “By withdrawing from climate change now we can avoid decades of climate change that could harm future generations. He said climate change had done nothing but cause damag ..read more
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Victoria to Celebrate Dan Andrews’ Order of Australia With Snap 16-Week Lockdown
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Victoria will commemorate Andrews’ King’s Birthday honours with a quick six-day lockdown which will end up lasting the best part of four months. Victorian authorities said the celebration of Andrews’ Order of Australia will last as long as it takes. “We don’t want to rush this. Stay tuned for daily updates,” a spokesperson said. Trevor Taylor from Broadmeadows said he was looking forward to paying his respects to Andrews from the comfort of his 5km radius. “When I think of Dan Andrews, I think of sitting in my house for 22 hours a day, before accidentally going outside to put the bins out at 1 ..read more
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Barnaby Joyce Says Real Reason He Ended Up Lying on Canberra Street Was Because He Crossed Paths With Peter Costello
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
Nationals MP Barnaby Joyce has finally cleared up the mystery of why he was lying on a Canberra footpath in February, confirming that he had been trying to ask former colleague Peter Costello a question. “I was just out for a late-night stroll and I saw Peter coming from the other direction. And so I shouted out “Peter! I’ve got a few questions about …” and next thing I know I’m lying with my back on the footpath, holding my phone and with my legs up in the air,” Joyce explained. “It’s hard to know what happened. I reckon he might’ve shouldered me. Or it could’ve been because I’d drunk 42 beer ..read more
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Man Reaches Point in Life Where Only Social Interaction Is With Verification Codes
The Shovel
by The Shovel
1w ago
The inbox of Melbourne man Tom Seppelt is just a series of six-digit authentication codes from faceless corporations, it has been revealed. The 45-year old explained that he still experienced a small surge of excitement every time his phone buzzed, but it was quickly replaced by the realisation that it was just another string of digits required to process a bank transaction. “I heard a ‘ding’ this morning and I was hoping it would be a message from an old friend asking if I wanted to catch up for a beer, or maybe go to a party, or even just ask a question about something. But it was a message ..read more
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At Least We Don’t Have This Arsehat, Australia Reassures Itself
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2w ago
As bad as things seem sometimes, Australians have reminded themselves that at least they don’t have to put up with this clown popping up once every few years to fuck things up. “Some days when I’m really down and things don’t seem to be going my way, I think, well I guess it could be worse. I could live in the same country as Nigel Farage,” Australian woman Meagan Perry said. “I mean, imagine turning on the TV and seeing that pompous grifting little fuckface every day. I need to vomit just thinking about it. “Here’s a guy that pretends to be be a martyr for the little people, but then set ups ..read more
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Murdoch Names Latest Nuptials “My Favourite Marriage So Far This Year”
The Shovel
by The Shovel
2w ago
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch says his marriage to Elena Zhukova is his best marriage of 2024 so far, and predicted it could finish in his top three marriages of the year. “I know it’s only June, but I’ve just got a feeling about this,” the glowing 93-year-old said at the Californian ceremony. “I’ve really gotten to know Elena over these past few days, and I see us spending many, many weeks together in the future. It’s exciting”. The smitten News Corp owner said he thought Zhukova could be the one. “Or if not the one, then certainly in the top two or three of the decade. She’s special,” he said ..read more
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