A climate change conspiracy theorist has uncovered a set of strange patterns and repeated terminology in research papers, which he says is highly suspicious. “If you look back at the research papers from the 1980s and 90s, and then compare it to the papers in the 2000s and more recently, what you’ll notice is a very clear pattern,” climate sceptic Johno Thompson said. “They are saying basically the same thing over and over and over again. It’s a pattern. If you’re not looking for it, you won’t notice it. But for those of us adept at identifying patterns and understanding symbology this is pret ..read more

Rupert Murdoch and fiancé Ann Lesley Smith will say their marriage vows and file for divorce, in a romantic dual ceremony planned for later this year. It will be Rupert Murdoch’s first marriage/divorce so far this year. The couple said they both believed in efficiency and did not want to create unnecessary paperwork when their marriage ends early next year. “We’re both busy. I’ll be planning my next marriage within a few months, so the last thing I’ll want is to be weighed down by admin,” Murdoch, 92, said. The lovebirds confirmed they had developed their own vows for the special day. “I Ruper ..read more

As concerns over the data policies of TikTok increase, we’re calling on the government to ban the app. Please add your name (and address, phone number, driver’s licence and marital status) to this important cause ..read more

The NSW Greens have unveiled their cornerstone policy for the upcoming state election, saying they will harness Mark Latham’s huge divorced-guy energy to power the state completely by 2025. “It is 100% renewable,” a spokesperson for the party said. “Just when you think it’s running out, a whole new well of pent-up emotion will emerge. Mark will post a picture of himself in Paul Murray’s Sky News ‘man-cave’ and we’ll have enough to keep us going for another 50 years”. Analysts praised the policy, saying it was a cheap way to access unlimited energy. “ Yes, the emission are toxic, but it never r ..read more

The PM says the base price for eight new submarines was $16 billion but ballooned to $386 billion after he added on heated leather seats, roof-racks, sports styling, Parking Assist and a range of other dealer extras. “I got a bit excited in the show room,” Albanese admitted in an interview today. “Joe said he’d throw in the floor mats and window tinting for free, but I didn’t realise there would be an extra cost for the keyless entry, or the reversing camera. Or the extended dealer warrantee if I’m honest. Turns out it all adds up quite a bit”. The PM said some of the extras were worth the mon ..read more

For every harbourside apartment a parent buys their children, the Perrottet Government will match it with another harbourside apartment, in a new policy designed to tackle poverty. Launching the policy yesterday, the NSW Premier said he wanted to give all children a head-start in life and reduce the poverty gap between the haves and the have-nots. “There are a lot of kids out there who sadly only get gifted one apartment from their parents. That can create a big gap between those who have more than one. So by matching that initial gift with another apartment from the Government, we’ll ensure t ..read more

Australia has cancelled its $368 billion submarine purchase, just hours after announcing it, after someone realised it would be cheaper to just give China $300 billion in return for an agreement not to invade. “It’s a win/win,” a Government spokesperson said. “They’ll get approximately $300 for every man, woman and child in China, and we save $68 bil, which we can use to build a new footy stadium. “Plus, if we’re being totally honest, half a dozen submarines would’ve done nothing to stop a Chinese invasion anyway, so I think giving them the cash and banking the difference is best for everyone ..read more

An embarrassed Anthony Albanese has admitted he just accidentally signed a contract to buy eight footlong Meatball Melt subs, which won’t arrive until 2040 at the earliest. “I got a little carried away. When Joe said, “Do you want a sub?” I just assumed he was talking about military equipment. But it turns out he was heading down to the shops to get some lunch, and with the exchange rate being what it is right now, it got a little expensive. I regret asking for eight”. The PM confirmed the delivery date would be delayed due to staff shortages at the sandwich outlet. “The app is currently sayin ..read more

Anthony Albanese has declared war on China but asked that the start date be pushed back to the mid 2040s when Australia will receive the first delivery of its new submarines. In declaring war, the PM said China couldn’t be left to simply do what it wanted, without expecting consequences. “With the increased aggression of China in the region we’ve been left with no other choice than to launch a pre-emptive attack within the next 20 years or so, possibly longer depending on how our submarine contract negotiations play out over the coming eighteen months, and subject to us changing our minds agai ..read more

Anthony Albanese’s visit to India is already causing controversy after images released late last night showed a dusty runway that is expected to deliver plenty of uneven bounce for the PM’s plane when it lands this morning. “There’s not a lot in there for the captain. It’s going to be tricky to navigate,” one expert said. Local authorities prepared two separate runways earlier in the week in order to keep the Australian delegation guessing. But images leaked this morning showed the favoured strip – a red, dusty runway that will set the scene for a three-day spin-fest.    Albanese sai ..read more