LAS VEGAS — Heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch recently transformed their merchandise table into a fully functioning Army recruitment center, sources close to… The post Five Finger Death Punch Merch Table Doubles as Army Recruitment Booth appeared first on The Hard Times ..read more

As tensions across the globe rise into unprecedented levels of intense technological advancement mixed with the takedown of free will of any kind, we might… The post Quiz: Are You Horny for Pornography or Just Really Scared About North Korea and Would Like To Distract Yourself for a Few Minutes? appeared first on The Hard Times ..read more

BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the… The post Harsh Noise Show Audience Unaware Fire Alarm Has Been Going off Past 45 Minutes appeared first on The Hard Times ..read more

The members of Rancid have been making punk music together for over 30 years. In that time, they’ve brought in a wide-ranging array of musical… The post Every Album From Rancid’s Side Projects Ranked Worst to Best appeared first on The Hard Times ..read more

BEACON, N.Y. — A longtime apparel designer for classic rock stalwarts The Grateful Dead admitted they recently exhausted all possibilities for rad things a skeleton… The post Grateful Dead T-Shirt Designer Finally Out of Kickass Things for a Skeleton to Do appeared first on The Hard Times ..read more

Look around, notice anything? ‘90s nostalgia is in full effect, and nothing says “‘90s” like classic Budweiser commercials. We wanted to find out how these icons of the past are getting along nearly 30 years later so we sat down with drinking legends Bud, Weis, and Er to talk all things party, but their haggard appearance, slurred speech, and putrid body odor became so unbearable we felt ethically obligated to redirect the conversation to focus on the ravaging impact of alcohol on amphibians. The Hard Times: I can’t believe you guys are still around. I remember watching you in the 1995 Super B ..read more

DETROIT — Paula Thorne and Jesse Riggins, the only two frequently on-time people in a friend group, are reportedly absolutely sick of hanging out with one another for hours while they wait for everyone else to show up, sources who were running a bit late confirmed. “Shit, Jesse is going to be here any minute,” said the always-five-minutes-early Paula Thorne. “We have a group of 10-plus friends that hang out every week to play board games or do trivia, and it’s always at 7:30. Fucking Jesse and I are the only ones who show up then and I have to talk to him about model trains, the trip he took t ..read more

America’s bizarre fascination with cartoon cats has existed for the entirety of our country’s existence, originating with a tortie that Alexander Hamilton doodled in the margins of Federalist No. 78. Since then, the history of the United States has been inextricably tied to cartoon cats, for better or worse. No one can argue that the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President and a guy who talked really funny, was not a dark, pivotal tragedy for this country. However, despite decades of conspiracy theories and Kevin Costner films, few people know just how many cartoon cats we ..read more

Remember The Spongmonkeys? Sure you do, they were those two fucked up-looking hamster things that convinced the world that toasting a sandwich was enough to make fast-sub chain Quiznos palatable and profitable, for a few years at least. And as with all deformed sloppy food mascots, the Spongmonkeys have had an insurmountable influence on the folk-punk scene. We decided to sit down with these abominations to figure out just, like, what the fuck is up with them? The Hard Times: So a lot of people seem to think you two have had a huge influence on the folk-punk scene. But fuck talking about that ..read more

TACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses was the correct one hauling the deceased to the cemetery, confused sources confirmed. “Josh and I were really close growing up having lived just three doors down from each other, but we kind of grew apart after I started focusing on sports and he got really into The Cure and started wearing cloaks,” said childhood friend Vince Wheaton. “I thought it was pretty weird when I saw seven hearses leaving for the cemetery going multiple direct ..read more