Sitcom dads typically run the gambit between borderline abusive and trying way too hard to be cool. There seems to be very little middle ground. So with a genre so, how we say, niche as drone metal, we found ourselves asking which sitcom dad’s would go to your band’s show and which ones wouldn’t. So, continuing our proud tradition of journalistic integrity and asking the important questions, here’s our list of sitcom dads based on their likelihood of coming to your show. 15. Al Bundy (Married With Children) Short of kicking out Kelly’s boyfriends, Al Bundy doesn’t really take much interest in ..read more

2003 was a prolific year for punk music. The United States’ decision to invade Iraq had been unpopular, particularly among punk musicians, so it was a shock to nobody that this famously anti-government genre had so much to say about George W. Bush. They despised him, his unjust war, his nepo-baby presidency, his tax cuts for the rich, his botched speeches, his civil liberty violations, his…sorry, this isn’t about Bush… In a way though, every punk album that came out in 2003 owes some of its success to the political climate of the time. Nothing energized early 2000s punks more than politics. Th ..read more

LANSING, Mich. — Local 72-year-old conservative Gerald Wakowski was on the verge of a complete meltdown after a passerby misgendered his coveted ‘77 Ford Mustang, concerned neighbors have reported. “I never thought the woke mind virus would come to my driveway until this liberal dipshit walked by and had the gall to insinuate my lovey, beloved Pony was a fucking boy. Does anything about the contours of this waxed up beauty make it look like a man?” said Wakowski. “Does this kid think I’d spend 40 years meticulously greasing gears and waxing the hood if I thought it was a dude? Call me old fash ..read more

It’s hard to believe it, but we had the privilege to take our picks from the Plymouth, MN Goodwill’s meticulously curated wall of used DVDs. It was overwhelming but we managed to walk away with a tote full of stone-cold classics. Still Waiting… The fact that most of the original cast “Waiting” refused to return inadvertently drives home the film’s themes about the cyclical, ever-changing nature of the hospitality industry and life itself.  Plus it has Andy Milonakis rapping, which in the early years of the Obama administration was considered the zenith of comedy. Nine Copies of Ella Encha ..read more

MANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each other, sources hoping for an impromptu reunion confirmed. “I was gobsmacked,” said Mancunian Nigel Atkinson, who was shopping at the time the two rock legends showed up. “There I was, considering tins of kippers, when who should walk down the aisle but Johnny Fucking Marr. And if that weren’t enough, from my other side comes the man himself, Steven Patrick Morrissey. I was hoping to witnes ..read more

Whether you discovered Sacramento, California’s Cake on MTV2 in the grunge, swing, ska and nu-metal-laden ‘90s or on tour with screamo sensation Ben Folds in the late 2010s, we can all agree that you discovered them. The band sounds like no ONE, and we mean no ONE; that may sound like an insult but it is far from it. Over the course of the band’s thirty-plus-year career, they really don’t have too many full-length studio albums, just six, proving that quantity is far more important than quality. Still, we attempted to rank all six from worst to you’re the best around, nothing’s gonna ever keep ..read more

What do dreams, recollections of improv scenes, and stories of drug trips all have in common? Everyone loves hearing them described in great detail! You already came to this baby shower microdosing on magic mushrooms that your friend Zeke brought back from Oregon, and everyone here is sure going to know about it! (Was that really a “microdose” though? You were never great with eyeballing.) That’s right, time to bust out the best stories of your craziest trips. You’re a walking raconteur, a regular goddamn druggy Raymond Carver, dealing out mind-bending stories to anyone within earshot. But wha ..read more

LOS ANGELES – Local millennial woman, Jane Torrio was left stunned and envious after discovering how much easier, effective, and better her cat’s health insurance was compared to her own, similarly frustrated sources confirmed. “When Pickles started having a weird cough, I put off calling her Vet for weeks—which is exactly what I do when I get sick,” said Torrio. “When I called to make an appointment they said we could come in the next day. This blew me away because when I had strep throat, which the internet says can spread to your brain and turn you into a zombie, my doctor said they could ..read more

Let’s be honest: the ‘50s were the best time in America. And yeah I know what you’re gonna say, so before you get all pissy, no, I’m not talking about segregation. That was bad. Obviously. And no, I’m not talking about the lack of women’s rights. Obviously, I love women. Especially the hot ones. My mother is a woman, and so is my sister, so I’m pretty much an expert on the female experience. But this country has changed for the worse over the past 70 years. Something has changed, something I can’t really put my finger on. Or say out loud. Because all I want is for America to be how she should ..read more

NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed. “Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got ri ..read more