Man Celebrates 15 Years of Thinking of Going Sober
The Hard Times
by Dom Turek
12m ago
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his favorite bar, confirmed sources who were already excited for the 20th anniversary. “What better way to ring in a decade and a half of thinking about quitting alcohol than day drinking at O’Connelly’s Pub,” said Squires. “To wake up violently hungover at least three times a week and think ‘I am never drinking again’ for 15 years straight is a feat of self-control and willpower some of my disciplined friends can’t even relate to ..read more
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Hold Up There, Stud: I Actually Ordered This Pizza With No Extra Sausage
The Hard Times
by Adam Frost-Venrick
12m ago
That’s it: I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to take the full Karen approach on this matter. I’ve never publicly put a restaurant on blast before, even if they’ve given me the mud-flaps the next day. Nor have I ever dreamed of taking up op-ed space to attack a business. But something really has to be said about the despicable business practices of Pinetti’s Pizza Paradise on Wilshire Blvd. It happened like this. Yesterday evening, as I stepped out of the shower, clad in nothing but a bathrobe and my underclothes, I happened to get a knock at the door. Going downstairs, I saw a mul ..read more
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Weezer Deciding If Next Album Should Be One of the Good Ones or Not
The Hard Times
by Dustin Newman
4h ago
LOS ANGELES — Iconic rock band Weezer are hard at work trying to decide whether their next album will be one of the more enjoyable ones or one that is universally panned, confirmed sources who stopped caring five or six records ago. “Every time we sit to down to write a new album, we spend a good month figuring out whether it’ll be an all-time classic that fans will adore for eternity or one that will only enrage people so much that they burn a copy in their backyard and flush its ashes down the toilet never to be heard of again,” said singer Rivers Cuomo. “Sure, we could just make the Blue Al ..read more
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Every Strapping Young Lad Album Ranked Worst to Best
The Hard Times
by S.L. Neechski
19h ago
Strapping Young Lad might be the weirdest metal band from Canada that ever caught any mainstream attention. Originally founded by vocalist and guitarist Devin Townsend as a solo project, he’d later be joined by a pair of fellow Canadians, guitarist Jed Simon and bassist Byron Stroud, as well as American drummer Gene Hoglan. (Quick side note: Hoglan improves every band he’s in. He’s that good.) SYL’s sound—a combination of thrash metal, death metal, and industrial with dense production, often paired with a goofy temperament—set them apart from their peers, because who the fuck would combine tho ..read more
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“The Boondocks” Characters Ranked By How Into QAnon They Would Be
The Hard Times
by Nigel Powers
19h ago
Over the course of the 2000s (it will be a cold day in Hell before I recognize 2014s Season 4 as official), “The Boondocks” provided a deep, fiercely critical look at life as an African American and the legacy of Black Oppression. Through the lens of the Woodcrest residents, audiences got an education on a variety of different socio-cultural issues facing the Black Community and America as a whole, from media literacy, to the Justice System’s unfair treatment of the non-white population, to even the Military-Industrial Complex, no stone was left unturned by this groundbreaking series, and that ..read more
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Guy From Jamiroquai Taking Up Entire Moving Walkway at Airport
The Hard Times
by Traye Holland
1d ago
DENVER — Jay Park from Jamiroquai was seen taking up the entire moving walkway at the Denver International Airport, leading to many frustrated customers rushing to get to their flights, sources confirmed. “Somehow using this moving walkway takes longer than the immobile floors,” said Anya Robertson while rushing to her flight. “I like the ‘Virtual Insanity’ music video as much as the next guy. You know what else I like? Getting to my plane on time. I had ten minutes to get to my next flight. Now I have a three-hour layover before I can get home because that guy won’t stop doing his weird moonw ..read more
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Rude! My Friend Invited Me to Meet Her Baby and the Baby Showed Up Completely Unprepared
The Hard Times
by Kelley Greene
1d ago
I’ve really been missing hangouts with my best friend ever since she had her baby. It’s been nearly impossible for us to find time to get together, but luckily last week she finally invited me over to meet him. I was super excited to see her, plus I’d finally get to meet the guy that’s been bogarting every second of her free time. Knowing he’s going to be a part of my bestie’s life forever, I really wanted to make a good impression. I bought him a gift, put on a cute outfit, and went over to her place. But the little jerk showed up completely unprepared. I’d spent the past 6 days practicing pr ..read more
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Every Pelican Album Ranked Worst to Best
The Hard Times
by Nigel Powers
2d ago
Flying in from Chicago, Illinois, Pelican are best known for their celestial, dark vibes and heavy, doomy instrumental soundscapes with riffs fit for kings. Unlike many of their doomy counterparts, Pelican never saw the need for a vocalist, and the band is all the richer for it, since their sound is so dreamy it would only suffer from a stuck-up, egomaniac singer. The band was part of the first wave of bands from Hydra Head Records in the late ‘90s and early 2000s who mixed the heavy, crushing sounds of Black Sabbath and other metal acts with quiet, ethereal sounds of Godspeed You! Black Emper ..read more
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AOL Running Man Found Unconscious After Drug Overdose At Chateau Marmont
The Hard Times
by Jordan Liffengren
2d ago
LOS ANGELES — The world-famous yellow AOL running man was reportedly found unconscious at the Chateau Marmont last night after an alleged drug overdose following a night of partying on the Sunset Strip, authorities reported. “Everyone can rest easy knowing the AOL running man is still with us,” said the Chateau Marmont’s hotel manager Leonard Briggs. “Upon discovering him passed out in the bathtub with a lit cigarette still resting between his fingers, our team performed CPR on him before an ambulance arrived to transport him to the nearest hospital. The Chateau is no stranger to this type of ..read more
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Heartwarming: An Envelope Full of Anthrax Lost in 2001 Was Finally Delivered to Mitch McConnell
The Hard Times
by The Hard Times Staff
2d ago
Have you ever been frustrated by the United States Postal Service because they lost a letter you mailed? Imagine if that letter miraculously showed up in the mailbox of its intended recipient over two decades later. That is exactly what happened when an envelope packed with anthrax was finally opened by Mitch McConnell earlier this week. We love a happy ending. “I was sorting the Senator’s mail when I saw a weathered envelope addressed from a 4th-grade class in New Jersey postmarked from 2001. I couldn’t believe it and I knew he would want to open it right away, Senator McConnell loves childre ..read more
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