The 1990s were filled with Friday night Blockbuster video game rentals, Pizza Hut’s Bigfoot pizza, and the only Woodstock that mattered, but now it’s hard to stay up past 10:30 p.m. and tomato sauce gives you heartburn. If any of this sounds familiar, you probably loved ‘90s music. And what wasn’t to love? The decade had all the best stuff: grunge, the golden era of hip hop, catchy pop, timeless alt rock, Limp Bizkit, and whatever the fuck music the Rusted Root sex commune made. The music is timeless, but you aren’t. If you were crushed beneath the weight of a freefalling piano on an unassumin ..read more

NEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University, slightly jealous sources confirmed. “This is one of the best parts about being a cop. I get to absolutely wallop a bunch of nerds sitting in a circle with my baton and then as a ‘punishment’ for using ‘excessive force unbecoming of a police officer’ they suspend me for two weeks, with pay,” said Officer Hannon while checking how many Expedia points he has available. “Thankfully everyone is filming this stuff n ..read more

OMAHA, Neb. — Mason Asghar, the head bouncer at local club Arroz Con Pollster, recently let in an enormous wooden horse without giving it a second thought, shocked and confused bystanders report. “It seemed cool as hell. It was kind of funny including the dong and I wanted to see if it could wheel inside the doorframe. I’m pretty amazed it did,” said Asghar. “No, no minors could get inside. Do you think a couple of kids could have made that? It was just a cool ass statue, that’s all. You know, the bar has kinda fallen in a bit of a rough patch, so getting this gift could really help us out. Su ..read more

From its origins to the modern era, our literature is rife with star-crossed lovers. Helen and Paris from The Iliad. Romeo and Juliet from Shakespeare. “The Notebook” people. Now, from our own interconnected world, comes a story of doomed romance sure to take its place in the annals of human tragedy and resonate through the ages. A woman on Feeld using the handle Sin_ful_e_Sweet just unmatched with a dude going by JediDick right when he was composing a prose in which he revealed himself as “a master in the fine art of devouring that box.” Jesus wept. How cruel is this wheel of destiny we are c ..read more

LONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ long dead corpse since 1989, sources wondering how she gets him to smoke those cigarettes confirmed. “Well, when Keith died in the late ‘80s, with a full world tour to promote ‘Steel Wheels’ on the docket, we were all pretty stumped on what to do. But, then I saw some nearby sunglasses, popped them on him, and pointed out that, hell, the alive-and-well Keith didn’t really move around or say much, so Mick and the fellas gave it the thumbs up” sai ..read more

You finally did it, after watching countless hours of home renovation videos on YouTube you finally finished your sex dungeon. Now it’s time to convince some of your more adventurous friends to come over and try out some of the amenities. To set the perfect mood you are going to need the right soundtrack, and that absolutely should consist of a single song from Jimmy Eat World, it makes absolutely no sense to play any of their songs while sucking, fucking, or both at the same time. But here are the 15 worst songs for your foray into the world of BDSM. (Listen along to the playlist) 15. “Let It ..read more

ATLANTA — A recent discovery revealed a beloved once-in-a-generation rap song was followed by the most unfunny skit anyone’s ever heard, confirmed sources who have never gotten through the entire six-minute interlude without skipping it. “It was so cosmically cheesy that it actually made me second guess my adoration for the otherwise greatest rap song to be written since Skee-Lo’s ‘I Wish,’” said lifelong rap fan Reggie Greenspan. “I mean, the skit started off strong. It was a simple premise of two guys talking about ordering a pizza. Then all of a sudden it devolved into a mixture of surface ..read more

I am way too good of a friend. Despite being a total bebop jazz head, I agreed to go to the Sonic Breeze EDM Festival for my friend Molly’s birthday. Lo and behold, she went missing mere minutes after arriving. Upon entering the security check, I squeezed out a quick shit in a porta-potty and she was gone by the time I came out. To make matters worse, not a single person was even remotely helpful during my search. I went up to some woman covered head to toe in lime green fishnets and asked “Have you seen Molly?” She just grinned and tried to make out with me. The audacity! Next, I asked a gent ..read more

LANSING, Mich. — The coat check at the Iron Smelt Theatre was filled almost exclusively with capes during fantasy metal legends Polarian Amulet show, event staff reported while sweeping up prosthetic elf ears. “For people who put on such airs of adventure and whimsy they sure can cop an attitude when it comes to the handling of their capes,” said coat check attendant Molly Chambers. “Each cape had its own rules that I was somehow supposed to know. One guy threw quartz dust in my eyes for using the wrong velvet gloves while touching his cape. Someone else insisted I steam their sleeveless outer ..read more

Sitcom dads typically run the gambit between borderline abusive and trying way too hard to be cool. There seems to be very little middle ground. So with a genre so, how we say, niche as drone metal, we found ourselves asking which sitcom dad’s would go to your band’s show and which ones wouldn’t. So, continuing our proud tradition of journalistic integrity and asking the important questions, here’s our list of sitcom dads based on their likelihood of coming to your show. 15. Al Bundy (Married With Children) Short of kicking out Kelly’s boyfriends, Al Bundy doesn’t really take much interest in ..read more