5 Mistakes People Always Make When Beheading A Vampire
Weekly World News
by Eric Farwell
4d ago
We’ve all been there: thigh-height deep in a crypt slowly, slowly filling with the blood of centuries-old virgins as one, maybe one and a bat that turns into a vampire runs at you, arms flailing. If you’re reading this, you’ve survived, but so many of us end up ding-dong durn dead because we think a slash across the throat is enough to behead a vampire when really it’s a slash, a twist, and a pull. With vampire crypts turning up between the vape store and the other vape store in gentrified neighborhoods, we thought it was best to put together a guide to help you stay safe. There should not be ..read more
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HOW TO SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL
Weekly World News
by Marge Floori
1M ago
You can have power, wealth, an attractive mate and virtually anything else you ever dreamed by understanding how to sell your soul to THE DEVIL! You must know what you’re doing when you make the deal or Satan will cheat you blind. That’s the word from Dr. Rex Touth, expert on satanic rituals and author of How to Negotiate Unholy Contracts when he advises on the exact process of how to sell your soul to the devil. AVOID SELLERS REMORSE Dr. Touth cites cases dating all the way back to the 16th century in which humans have agreed to spend eternity in Hell when they die in exchange for earthly ple ..read more
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FAMOUS AUTHOR FORGETS STUFF—OR DOES HE?
Weekly World News
by Boyce Day
2M ago
He has written scary books for decades, but what is scaring people now is his tweets, which wonder about the disappearance of things that have not disappeared. The Cape Cod-style mansion in Gorham, Maine known as the Castle is home to a once-nimble mind that has now, at least according to some locals, slowed to a glacial pace. The mind belongs to Evan McQueen, the bestselling author whose name gave the house its monker. McQueen, also known as the Master of the Modern Macabre, is synonymous with spine-chilling horror tales that have entertained and frightened readers for decades: Cap the Bottle ..read more
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ALIEN ENCOUNTER FASHION TIPS
Weekly World News
by Red Starling
4M ago
BEAM UP IN STYLE, AND PASS THE INTERSTELLAR VIBE CHECK Through 40 years of documenting alien encounters, Weekly World News has noticed a striking pattern. Your choice of clothing influences the likelihood of your abduction. Your fashion style will determine whether extraterrestrials think you are a candidate for experimentation. Many abductees have vanished into the sky never to return. But if you wear the right clothes, you must might make it back. What these folks wore at the time of abduction played a key role in keeping their celestial captors copacetic. These encounters are becoming more ..read more
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SCIENTISTS CREATED A TIME MACHINE THAT ELIMINATES MONDAYS.
Weekly World News
by Foxington Delaware
5M ago
A group of scientists led by Dr. Wilbur Smith of CalPoly made a colossal temporal discovery. They’ve created a working time machine! However, this time machines don’t take you in the future or the past. This time machine eliminates Mondays. In a laboratory that felt more like a sitcom set, Dr. Smith announced their findings in front of a room of eager scientific reporters. The machine, which they’ve affectionately dubbed the “Chrono-Booster,” was originally supposed to revolutionize the way we experience time. But when they realized it wiped out Mondays, they were stunned. Dr. Smith exclaime ..read more
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CURSED TEXTS LEFT UNTRANSLATED!
Weekly World News
by Joe Saddler
6M ago
Professors Warn: Cuts in Funding and Tenure Cause Havoc! Ancient Evils REMAIN A SECRET! Recent labor strife at colleges and universities has unmasked long-term issues in academia,. From low wages, precarious employment, and lower-quality education for students to the cost of intellectual inquiry. And a new report from the National Endowment for the Humanities finds the humanities are underfunded. This has left many ancient, cursed texts untranslated and the hidden evils in the world unreleased. “Underfunding of the study of ancient languages, civilizations, gods, demons, and accursed texts has ..read more
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13 MOST DANGEROUS DEMONS
Weekly World News
by Marge Floori
6M ago
Demonic possession is no laughing matter – but if you find yourself pitted against one of the 13 most dangerous demons in Hell, watch out! Blackman and Martin are 2 of them. Anton Szandor LaVey, the former High Priest of the Church of Satan, listed the most powerful of Lucifer’s minions in his notorious book, The Satanic Bible. “Theologians have cataloged some of the names of devils in their lists of demons, but the roster which follows contains the names most effectively used in Satanic ritual,” wrote LaVey, known to his followers as The Black Pope. In addition to what he called the “crown ..read more
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Florida Man Excited to Learn That Wife Did Not Ghost Him – She Was Just in Rehab!
Weekly World News
by Foxington Delaware
7M ago
MIAMI, FLORIDA – A Florida man’s tumultuous journey into confusion took a dramatic turn. He discovered that his missing wife did not dump him but was actually in drug rehab. John Anderson, 32, had been living through a surreal nightmare as he grappled with the sudden disappearance of his wife, Emily Anderson. However, recent revelations have illuminated that Emily’s absence was not due to a sudden vanishing act but because she was battling her own demons in a rehabilitation facility. THE SEARCH BEGAN John’s odyssey began a couple of months ago when Emily seemingly evaporated from their house ..read more
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Road trip: California – The Dark Watchers
Weekly World News
by Harms Whey
7M ago
A Foolproof Plan It had been a summer by the time Glen and I arrived in California. Glen and I were exhausted, and our funds were running low. Needless to say, the Golden State would be our last stop. Other than a taste of fame and glamor, we came to California in search of the Dark Watchers, mysterious creatures said to roam the Santa Lucia Mountain Range. Although they’re very antisocial with outsiders, Glen and I had a brilliant plan. The Santa Lucias at dusk. The Hollywood of West-Central California We parked our trusty van in a parking lot in King City, CA, a town nestled in the Santa Lu ..read more
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WICH AND WHEY AND THE LEGEND OF EL CUCO
Weekly World News
by Glen Wich
8M ago
THE ORIGIN Harms Whey and I have seen our fair share of unusual tales in the Weekly World News. Yet, our recent escapade in New Mexico took a most unexpected turn when we delved into the mysteries of El Cuco, the monstrous figure said to devour children. The parched landscapes of New Mexico hid many secrets, not the least of which was the renowned Los Alamos lab – the birthplace of the atom bomb. It was there, amidst the swirling rumors of espionage and intrigue, that tales of El Cuco emerged. To some, it seemed a clever ruse to keep children away from sensitive zones. But could there be more ..read more
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