Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks
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1h ago
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Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine
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1h ago
KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained,… Read more ..read more
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Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks
The Onion
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1h ago
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Conference Championships. Read more ..read more
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Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms
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1h ago
Meta has announced that Donald Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think? Read more ..read more
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Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents
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8h ago
WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former presidents to anonymously return classified documents. “Any past commander-in-chief… Read more ..read more
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Dog That Only Barks At Black People Named New RNC Chair
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10h ago
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U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen
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10h ago
WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we deal with the fallout from the death of Tyre Nichols, myself and the… Read more ..read more
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Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street
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15h ago
SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see… Read more ..read more
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Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far
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15h ago
NEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “Do we love it?” asked the neurosurgeon, who used the handheld looking glass in tandem with a… Read more ..read more
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Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course
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15h ago
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said. Read more ..read more
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