Cormac McCarthy’s The Mall
McSweeney’s
by Amanda Lehr
19h ago
If only there was not cause, thought the man, for the boy to accompany him here. To this place of commerce. But as the woman reminded him two hours prior, when she dropped off the boy in her Chevy Silverado, it was his weekend. The man grasped the boy’s hand tightly as they made their way across the asphalt expanse of the parking lot. Their breath spiraled from their lips like plumes of smoke. Ghosts of a burned encampment. The frost had come early this year. Mind your haste, said the man. He felt the boy’s hand quivering within his own like a hare on the verge of bolting into the brush. The m ..read more
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Peaches the Instagram Dachshund Wants a Cut
McSweeney’s
by Tom Ellison
22h ago
Hey. Wake up. It’s me, Peaches, and I just found out about @PeachesTheSausageDoggo on Instagram. And I want my cut. That’s right, I know all about the Chewy.com partner posts and the 365 Days of Peaches calendar. Over 120,000 followers, huh? Looks like you got about twenty grand coming in per year without paying a dime for labor. Honestly, I respect a sweet grift. But no one fucks Peaches out of her money. Seems to me, I’ve spent about 3,200 hours over the past three years hustling for someone else—riding the Roomba, popping out of leaf piles, wearing itchy hot dog costumes, showing off my “sm ..read more
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How to Become a Professional Writer
McSweeney’s
by Carlos Greaves
2d ago
Do you enjoy writing? Do you like the idea of taking the thing you love doing the most in the world and turning it into work? So that your access to food and shelter hinges on your ability to turn a creative outlet into a commercial product? Smart move. It sounds like you’d like to become a professional writer. The good news is there are many ways to make it as a professional writer. You could become a novelist. All you have to do is get an MFA from a top program. Then win a prestigious national writing prize. Then leverage that to earn a coveted artist-in-residence. Then use that time to pen ..read more
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Food from The Great British Bake Off or Song by The Cure?
McSweeney’s
by Lisa Borders
2d ago
1. Angel Cake 2. Just Like Heaven 3. Genoise Sponge 4. A Japanese Dream 5. Charlotte Sometimes 6. Charlotte Royale 7. Icing Sugar 8. Mirror Glaze 9. Piggy in the Mirror 10. Cornish Pasties 11. Baked Alaska 12. Fire in Cairo 13. Black Forest Gateau 14. A Forest 15. The Hanging Garden 16. Small Edible Flowers 17. The Caterpillar 18. Clootie Dumpling 19. The Baby Screams 20. Syllabub - - - Foods from The Great British Bake Off: 1, 3, 6, 8, 10, 11, 13, 16, 18, 20 Songs by The Cure: 2, 4, 5, 9, 12, 14, 15, 17, 19 Both: 7 ..read more
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Macroeconomic Changes Have Made It Impossible for Me to Want to Pay You
McSweeney’s
by Mike Lacher
3d ago
“Google announced plans to lay off 12,000 people from its workforce Friday, while Microsoft said Wednesday that it’s letting go of 10,000 employees. Amazon also began a fresh round of job cuts that are expected to eliminate more than 18,000 employees and become the largest workforce reduction in the e-retailer’s 28-year history.” — CNBC, 1/18/23 - - - Team, There’s no easy way to say this: I have made the difficult decision to lay off over six thousand of you. In the past two years, we have achieved huge wins together. But unfortunately, the macroeconomic environment has shifted in ways none o ..read more
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Bob Dylan’s The Philosophy of Modern Sitcoms
McSweeney’s
by Lauren Daley
3d ago
“[Dylan’s] ‘The Philosophy of Modern Song,’ an entire tome of wild, erratic writing about music that is sure to bedazzle and befuddle.” — Slate - - - Full House This is a show about the hell of modern life. The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV—where did all go? Vanished into the endless vacuum of time. You once had San Francisco in the palm of your hand. Now your wife is dead, and you’re a widower with OCD and three daughters to raise. Your Windex can’t save you now. Your best friend needs to move in to help you. Your brother-in-law moves in. Still, you can’t cope. Your daughter drives a ..read more
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What Colleges’ Emails Read Like to High School Seniors
McSweeney’s
by Katherine Lopez
4d ago
FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team SUBJECT: Apply today! Hi Katherine, As college deadlines roll around, we at Gouldsboro College encourage you to take a chance on our supportive learning community. Since our founding in 1923, Gouldsboro has given scholars from all over the country (and the world, probably) the skills they need to survive in this cold, hard world. We’ve reviewed your profile, Katherine, and think you’d be a fantastic fit. Start your application using the link below, and we’ll see you in September! Best wishes, Mark Doyle Gouldsboro College Dean of Admissions - - - FROM ..read more
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Instructions for Patients: Vasectomy v. Giving Birth
McSweeney’s
by Leslie Kirkman
4d ago
Vasectomy: The week before surgery Avoid aspirin products for a minimum of 48 hours prior to your procedure. Make sure you talk to your doctor about any other medications you may be taking. If you wish, you can obtain a prescription for a mild, oral anti-anxiety medication before the procedure. Birth: The nine months before labor Avoid all medicines and enjoyable foods. Make sure you listen to the copious amounts of un-asked-for advice and steel yourself from the dirty looks you will get in line at the coffee shop. Feel guilty every time you eat a hamburger instead of poached salmon. Also ..read more
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Remembering Paul La Farge
McSweeney’s
by McSweeney's
4d ago
McSweeney’s mourns the passing of Paul La Farge, a brilliant writer, teacher, and scholar. We were lucky to publish an early novel by Paul called The Facts of Winter, and he contributed often to our Quarterly and The Believer. We will be publishing tributes to Paul throughout the week. He was one of the most gentle and genuine of colleagues, and we miss him dearly ..read more
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Our New Line of Men’s Grooming Products Is Perfect for You—a Big, Strong Man
McSweeney’s
by McKayley Gourley
1w ago
Our new line of men’s grooming products is cutting edge, down-to-earth, and isn’t sold in colors not already present in a storm cloud—in short, it’s perfect for you: a big, strong man. You know, guy’s guys. Outdoorsy types. Grill masters. Flannel wearers. We make our products for the kind of guy who doesn’t chop his own firewood but is definitely interested in the idea. The kind of guy who doesn’t play a sport professionally but played a little in high school and enjoys bringing it up in conversation. The kind of guy who will, inevitably, decide to dive headfirst into the world of mixed martia ..read more
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