“You MUST see The Lion King.” The last time you were in New York, Michael Bloomberg was mayor and nobody knew what a cronut was. “Why not try kayaking on the Hudson?” You do not actually like living in New York City. “Corner bodega bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.” You haven’t been north of 23rd Street in seven years. “Go to a poetry slam in the East Village and then spend a few hours just getting lost in The Strand.” You do not have, nor have you met, children. “Try the steak frites au poivre at La Bonne.” You work in finance. What you know of the world is not applicable to 97 percent of the ..read more

“The Supreme Court hears Trump’s claim to ‘absolute immunity.’ The justices are considering whether the former president must face trial on charges that he tried to subvert the 2020 election.” — New York Times, 4/25/24 - - - Hwaet! It has been over three years since Grendel smashed into our Capitol, rampaged through our Great Hall, and killed our heroes who bravely stood against him. At the time, Beowulf proposed to slay Grendel forthwith, but our wiser angels of paralysis prevailed. We have spent these three years asking witnesses what happened here in front of our very eyes, while Grendel ha ..read more

A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - This summer, Mike Tyson will fight Jake Paul, a YouTuber more than three decades his junior. During those bonus thirty years Tyson has done much more than box. In an apt imitation of his fighting style, Tyson has been quick to pivot from movie star to podcast host to THC entrepreneur. Yes, you read that right: if you go to your local ..read more

Hey there, Kinzleigh. Take a seat by my desk, crisscross applesauce. As you may know, this year’s Take Your Child to Work Day coincides with our annual performance review period. We felt it would be right for all employees to be reviewed, no matter how long they’ve been with us or how many teeth they have lost. Unfortunately, Kinzleigh, after speaking to your manager, a.k.a. “Daddy,” we will need to put you on a PIP, or performance improvement plan. To begin with, you haven’t joined any of your Sexual Harassment or Diversity in the Workplace live Zoom trainings, even though we forced everyone ..read more

Writing is an often solitary process, but it rarely happens alone. This brief email, which I hemmed and hawed over for seven weeks before finally dashing it off and sending it in a thoroughly uncharacteristic burst of un-self-conscious productivity, could not have happened without the support of countless others. While it might be only my name in the sender field, I would be remiss not to acknowledge and thank the many people who helped make it all possible. I, of course, must begin with the inspiration for this work: the acquaintance who emailed me seven weeks ago, asking a relatively straigh ..read more

Ha! A mistaken vocal inflection produced by the waitress when you mentioned you have a boat. Oh! Often produced involuntarily when you realize you are much kinkier than you thought you were. Wham! Your drunk uncle describing the impact of his 2018 Dodge Ram during his first DUI. Twang! A combination of traditional values and piss water boycotts. Thwack! Often heard in repetition and completed between three and five minutes with a lackluster partner. Grrr! An internal reaction to your mom’s curfew rule (you’re thirty-two). Rip! A cool maneuver performed by a single nostril; occasionally from a ..read more

Dear valued customers, Here at Weird Sisters Soups & Brines, our top priority has always been to prepare nourishing, ready-to-eat soups, enjoyable alone or with the whole clan. After a long day with kinsmen slaughtering foes in an odorous peat bog, there’s nothing like returning to the sod hut and forgetting all your toils and troubles over a bubbling bowl of Weird Sisters Soup. Filled with the eye of newt and chunks of frog toes our customers have come to savor, our soups are always sure to beguile you. But we at Weird Sisters also understand that we have a responsibility to adhere to the ..read more

When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she’ll explore the anthropological strangeness of this new place, the mysteries of the body, and how facing death distills life into its purest form: funny, terrifying, and sublime. - - - Read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, and Part V. - - - - - - “Has a ..read more

1. Patience is key. 2. Remember to take breaks for self-care. 3. And don’t forget to go to the bathroom. 4. It’s better to make slow progress with the pieces than no progress on the puzzle at all. 5. Accept the pieces the way they are. A turtle piece can never be a camel puzzle. Stop trying to change them when they show you who they are. 6. Sometimes, you must realize it’s not you; it’s just a crappy puzzle. It’s not worth your time to guess whether it is off-white or eggshell white, and you’re better off on your own. 7. Your self-worth isn’t determined by how many puzzles you solve. It is det ..read more

Well, look at you. You’re all so brand spanking new, shiny, and gleaming. The world was made for the likes of you as you are now. Young. Supple. Idealistic. Yes, even the goths with their cloaks of (imaginary? performative?) sorrow, black as their black kohl-rimmed eyes. Yes, you are hopeful and just as starry-eyed and dreamy as the sunshiny ones that you scorn as vehemently as Dracula despises daylight. But you’re here too, wearing a robe and a ridiculous hat with a tassel. The truly sinister-at-heart, antiestablishment marauder wouldn’t be caught dead among such living. I’m not saying you’re ..read more