Major European city great place to get pissed, reports couple
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
10h ago
A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.  Ryan Whittaker and Lucy Parry have flown to the German capital with the intention of exploring the city, soaking up the atmosphere and immersing themselves in its culture, by all of which they mean ‘getting drunk’. Parry said: “Berlin’s brilliant. There’s a surprise around every corner, whether it’s a riverside bar, a rooftop bar or one of those bottle shops they have now. We love it. “We arrived yesterday, in a fine mood after a cheeky couple at the airport and a few maintenance ..read more
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We ask you: will you follow the Vatican’s new rules on supernatural phenomena?
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
10h ago
THE Vatican has cracked down on a rash of rogue miracles with new guidelines on supernatural phenomena. Will you be toeing the line?  Roy Hobbs, ghost: “I’ve been haunting this bloody abbey since 1647, and no woke 21st century Pope’s telling me what to do. I shall be marching down a cloister straight through a wall, like always.” Father Tom Logan, priest: “It’s the statue of the Virgin Mary in our church I feel sorry for. It was going to start crying milk next week. Now it’ll never get the chance.” Sophie Rodriguez, faith healer: “Christ, how many forms to fill in just to cure a child’s b ..read more
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Woman’s nails count as disability
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
12h ago
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Millions of Britons living on less money than they would ideally prefer
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
15h ago
A RECORD number of UK families cannot afford to buy absolutely everything they want, it has emerged.  Inflation, low wages, house prices and the sheer number of streaming services means 85 per cent of households lack the financial resources to buy even the most basic unnecessary items. Tom Logan, a company director whose business has been vaguely hit by Brexit, recently had to cancel the purchase of a velvet ‘Tokyo’ style corner sofa with matching cushions. He said: “The hardest thing has been explaining it to the children. They keep asking when the new sofa’s coming and when they can sma ..read more
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Man divides his age by two, adds seven, ignores result
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
15h ago
A MAN debating whether to date a younger woman has done the necessary calculations then asked her out anyway. Having realised that his 24-year-old colleague Kelly Howard might be a bit too young for him, 40-year-old Tom Booker ran the precautionary numbers before pausing and mentally binning their findings. He said: “F**k it, it’s not a proper mathematical equation like Pythagoras’ theorem. It’s more of an advisory thing that everyone ignores, like best-before dates. “I probably forgot to carry a one somewhere or did the addition at the wrong point in the calculation. Is it supposed to be befo ..read more
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Talk dirty about the Corn Laws: How to have a Regency period sex life like in Bridgerton
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
18h ago
BRITONS love the sex in period dramas, particularly the frantic shagging in Bridgerton, set in the Regency era. Here’s how to recreate the years 1811-1820 in your own bedroom. Experiment with Regency sexual positions To be honest there was only missionary, but if you’re a modern couple who feel under pressure to be sexually adventurous it’ll make a pleasant change to have boring sex that’s quickly over without incident and you can go to sleep.  Talk dirty about the Corn Laws These made it too expensive to import grain, increasing the price of bread and causing food riots. Protectionist ta ..read more
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‘I will do pantomime,’ threatens Spacey
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
18h ago
KEVIN Spacey has warned Britain that if he is not given major movie or theatre roles within the next six months he will turn up in pantomime. The disgraced former A-lister told Britain it has until autumn to secure him a part as a villain in a blockbuster, the lead in a sensitive arthouse film or a role in a Pinter play in the West End before he appears at a regional theatre near them. He said: “Don’t think I won’t play King Rat at Nottingham Theatre Royal. Because I will, and you’ll pay to see it. “I’ve got the skillset: I live here, I’m familiar with your horrible culture, I’m in need of mon ..read more
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Anything that warmed your heart during lockdown was bullshit
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
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Showgirls, and other famously shit films people pretend are ironically good but they’re not
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
DO you know someone who enjoys pretending that Showgirls is worth sitting through in an ironic way? They probably like these other films too: Showgirls, 1995 Showgirls was deservedly panned when it came out, but it is now de rigueur to claim it is a masterpiece which was criminally under-appreciated by audiences at the time. However, the people who insist it is a misunderstood cult satire are just unable to admit they like looking at Elizabeth Berkley with her tits out, which, admittedly, you didn’t get in Saved By The Bell. The Wicker Man, 2006 The original is bonkers in a way that works, but ..read more
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Six fixes f**k all, Starmer told
The Daily Mash Magazine
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
KEIR Starmer has been informed that if he is taking being prime minister seriously, he will need a f**k of a lot more than six fixes. The Labour leader has today unveiled six pledges to the electorate which do not even come close to mending the catastrophic damage caused by the Tories in recent years, even in the short-term. Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Six pledges? Six? What, he’s looking round and only seeing six things wrong, is he? “More police, cut NHS waiting lists, all that’s fine, but I’m seeing nothing here about stemming the near-constant flow of shite into our rivers and seas. Put ..read more
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