ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?  Steve Malley, golf tutor: “I bought my 13-year-old a pint and never got one back, so he’s banned. I can’t be doing with bastards not getting their round in.” Eleanor Shaw, counsellor: “Sadly my daughters have fallen to creeping Americanisation and only vape strong weed. Our national identity is being taken away from us.” Joanna Kramer, employment lawyer: “They’ll match me drink for drink for the first two Riojas, but crack the third ..read more

..read more

..read more

HUMZA, buddy, I’ve just seen the news. Bad luck, mate. Not everyone can be universally adored like me. Want to know how I do it? I’ll let you into a few secrets. Skip the whole ‘getting elected’ faff Democracy is for losers. If you want to rule with a firm grip while commanding the love of the people, you’ve got to be willing to break the rules. I skipped the election process and look how popular I am! And it was definitely nothing to do with every previous leader being f**king shit! Those self-righteous Greens were holding you back with their ‘principles’. You’re better off without them. Ride ..read more

GIRLFRIENDS have once again confirmed their desire to snuggle is unrelated to any desire to be penetrated with a penis. Women in relationships across Britain have clarified that though the two activities both take place beneath a blanket and involve physical contact, they remain qualitatively different so get off. Lucy Parry of Stevenage said: “Snuggling is comfort. It is warmth. It is to rest in the security of each other’s love. It is not foreplay. “Seriously, we’re cuddled up watching a romcom and suddenly you’re poking an erection into my back? That is not the vibe here. The mood is shatte ..read more

..read more

CERTAIN songs are so annoying or inappropriate it’s only fair buskers lose earnings for playing them. Here are some it’s fine to dip into their guitar case for. Yellow, Coldplay (2000) If you’re out with your kids you’ve already had your fill of whinging, so the last thing you need to hear is this bedwetter’s anthem. You don’t know what the lyrics are, but the high-pitched moaning could very easily be ‘I’m thirsty and my legs are tired’. Any busker inflicting this upon an unsuspecting audience owes everyone at least a tenner just for reminding them that Coldplay exist. Hey Jude, The Beatles (1 ..read more

DO you love Taylor Swift so much you send death threats to people who give her new album a vaguely unfavourable review? You are mad. Like these other obsessives: Swifties Are you an uneducated philistine who has the temerity to consider for even a moment that Taylor Swift may not be the pinnacle of 300,000 years of human culture, and perhaps even God herself? Then watch your back, because the Swifties will find out, and they will come for you. What’s it like having your spleen removed via your arsehole because you think Tortured Poets Department is a stupid title for an album by a billionaire ..read more

LABOUR’S rail nationalisation plans have confirmed they are a party unafraid to do the entirely obvious thing if they feel it benefits Britain. The plan to stand back, do nothing and let every terrible, failing rail franchise in the country revert to state ownership sets a worrying precedent of common-sense decisions that will pay off. Westminster journalist Sue Traherne said: “It begins with nationalising rail. It could end with nurses being paid a living wage. That’s what we’re facing. “It’s easy to say ‘stop dumping sewage in the sea’ or ‘build more windfarms’ or ‘why have we privatised all ..read more

NIGEL Farage and Lee Anderson having full sex live on GB News does not contravene election coverage rules, according to Ofcom. The TV watchdog said that if the former UKIP leader and dense ex-miner began kissing, followed by increasingly heavy petting and ultimately penetrative sex, it would fall into the category of ‘erotic programming’. An Ofcom spokesperson said: “Nigel and Lee having sex is acceptable because there is no consensus on whether we should ban news shows hosted by politicians. Nor is it our job to censor hot man-on-man action. In fact I’m not entirely sure what it is we do. “A ..read more