Having nails aggressively sanded and glued a real treat for the soul, women agree
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
20h ago
WOMEN have confirmed that having a complete stranger shove their fingernails into various different boxes and layer paste on them is the highest form of relaxation. Frequent nail salon visitor Lucy Parry said there was nothing like having hard ovals close to her sensitive fingertips sawed and plastered to make her feel calm and content. Lucy said: “At the end of a long week, I like to treat myself by visiting a building that smells as chemical as a supervillain’s lab to pay for a woman to manhandle my appendages. “A second woman, who I almost definitely won’t exchange any words with, will then ..read more
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At the urinal: the six worst times for your girlfriend to call you
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
20h ago
STANDING there, cock out, when your trouser pocket begins to vibrate a merry tune? How does she know these are the times to call?  At a urinal Both hands are occupied, and will be for some time. Nobody wants to go direct from piss to phone. But once you’ve been disturbed the first isn’t coming and the second won’t f**king shut up, breaking the silence and causing other urinators to pointedly not look your way. At the punchline of a joke The build-up has finished, there’s an eruption of laughter due, then you hear Baby by Justin Bieber because your girlfriend thought it would be cute to as ..read more
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‘Why can’t you just be happy for us?’ ask energy firms
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
22h ago
ENERGY firms raking in billions of pounds of profit are at a loss as to why nobody is congratulating them. Having doubled their year-on-year profits and smashed all previous records, BP was at least hoping for a supportive thumbs up. A BP spokesman said: “How about a simple ‘well done’? Who would that harm? “We’ve worked really hard getting oil and gas out of the ground and turning it into useful fuel, which is far from easy, and you like it well enough to burn but not enough to say ‘thanks, mate’ like you say to the barman after every pint. “Guys. We made $23 billion in a year. That is object ..read more
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Rishi Sunak to shake up big bag of twats
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
22h ago
RISHI Sunak is to give the big bag of Tory twats he has no choice but to work with a really good shake and see what comes out.  Sunak, who has the dregs of no less than five failed administrations to choose from, has been forced into a Cabinet reshuffle by yet another dirty bastard resigning and cannot wait to see what scum floats to the top this time. He said: “F**king hell. And we thought Theresa May was running on empty. “That was before Boris’s purge of all the talents, before the complete moral collapse of the party and before we were permanently 20 points behind in the polls and eve ..read more
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Woman apologises for all the bad shit she did on running high
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
23h ago
A WOMAN is mortified after being told of all the wild shit she pulled while tripping on a post-cardio rush of endorphins. Joanna Kramer, aged 32, thought she could handle a light jog around the park, before falling into a 5K sprint and horrifying a whole Starbucks with her crazed, elated behaviour afterwards. Kramer said: “I woke after some carbs and a power nap, and realised just how off my f**king head I’d been. “I got flashbacks of rocking up with a spring in my step, a smile on my face and a genuine zest for life, necking bottle after bottle of water. I apologised to the whole group chat ..read more
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Let me give you the bedsit tour! By a millennial
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
23h ago
By Charlotte Phelps, aged 32, of Penge COME in! Obviously I’d prefer to give you ‘the house tour’, but that’s not an option, so let’s pretend my cramped studio flat above a kebab shop is a liveable dwelling.  Do you mind taking your shoes off? I hate to ask but it saves traipsing dirt through the hallway-cum-kitchen-cum-living-room-cum-bedroom-cum-bathroom. Thanks. First, the kitchen! You wouldn’t normally have a shower cubicle next to the cooker, but it’s really handy if you work up an appetite washing your hair. You can make an omelette without all the hassle of lowering your feet one b ..read more
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Guardian readers’ new gentrified activity is ‘wild copulation’
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
MIDDLE-CLASS perverts are packing car parks in forests for their new obsession of ‘wild copulation’, formerly known as dogging.  The newly-gentrified activity combines the open air, trangressive sexuality, and watching others do all the work in a single evening’s smug entertainment. Freelance copywriter Emma Bradford said: “People worry about the cold, but honestly it’s so invigorating you don’t feel it. Instead you feel energised and empowered. “It’s a traditional working-class activity that’s been practiced, with a bracing indifference to its legality, for generations. You’re reconnecti ..read more
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How to trick people into thinking you didn’t piss away your weekend
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
SPENT your two precious days off doing bugger all but watching telly and wanking again?  Fool friends and colleagues into believing you have an enviable social life:  Lean to the vague No way does your phone show 14 hours of screen time for Saturday. In fact you had such a mad one at various pubs and clubs that your memory is hazy and bereft of detail. But your wild antics were definitely fun and definitely happened, and you definitely weren’t crying at Clueless again. Look hungover Easily achieved. Not because you spent Sunday evening drowning your dread of the week to come with gin ..read more
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Six people you’ve met in your life who were as deluded as Liz Truss
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
IN your life you’ve encountered a few people as forcefully deluded as former PM Liz Truss. These were the ones who snubbed reality:  The chemistry supply teacher Every lesson, a riot unfolded in front of her. Kids were lighting fags off the burning gas taps. Balls of silver foil flew at her face. Chesny just got up and rubbed out the whole diagram she’d just chalked up. It was like it wasn’t happening. Unperturbed due to her spectacularly misguided self-belief, she announced the end of class to nobody. Your sister-in-law A bar-raising fuckwit who makes inedible wheat pancakes fried in oli ..read more
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How to get safely dumped before Valentine’s Day
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
2d ago
WITH eight days to go before Valentine’s Day, if you want to get out of buying chocolates and giving head you need to get dumped now. Follow these tips:  Fake an affair Daub your shirt collar with lipstick, spend long evenings watching Avatar 2 with your phone off, scent appropriately then crawl into bed at 2am claiming to have been at the cinema. You’ll soon be confronted. But cover your tracks. If your girlfriend recognises her own perfume or finds Odeon tickets in your wallet, your duplicitious monogamy is blown. Talk of nothing but Valentine’s Day Make it clear you’re expecting Valent ..read more
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