Australians were madly rushing to clear up empty beer bottles and stray bongs this morning after the landlord announced he would be doing an inspection soon. “There’s shit everywhere, the curtain rail is still broken, and Johno hasn’t taken the bins out for weeks,” a frantic Australian spokesperson said. There was also concern over a friend of a friend who is staying in Australia but isn’t on the rental agreement. “We’ve kicked out everyone else who’s arrived on our doorstep looking for a place to live, but some guy’s obviously fallen through the cracks,” the spokesperson said ..read more

Australia’s two supermarket giants made so much profit last financial year that they would almost have enough money to buy groceries for a family of four in one of their stores, an inquiry has heard. “It’s an obscene amount of money,” economist Harry McManus said. “To think that they could fill up a trolly in their local Coles or Woolies, and then pay for it outright in one go, just goes to show how much money these companies are making”. He said a $2 billion shop-up wouldn’t include luxuries, but it could still buy a substantial number of goods. “Obviously they wouldn’t be buying washing powd ..read more

A procession through Ballarat by balaclava-clad little man-boys wound up just before 6pm last night, because Mum said she’d have dinner on the table by then. Shouting “Australia for the white man!”, “Heil victory” and “Don’t forget that Mum said she’ll confiscate our PlayStation if we stay out past curfew!” the group marched through the streets of the Victorian town in front of bemused onlookers. The group dispersed after one of the protesters said ‘Shit! It’s five to six. Mum’s gonna kill us!” One protester, who had saved up his pocket money to buy a new balaclava, said he wanted Australia to ..read more

Saying they didn’t want the hassle of being arrested or having their protests shut down, climate protestors have confirmed they will trial a new tactic at future demonstrations, dressing up as 21st Century supporters of Adolf Hitler. “We just want our opinions to be heard without being told to move along. And the best way to do that is to dress in black, hold an Australian flag and salute the Fuhrer,” a climate protester, who did not want to be named until he was dressed up as a neo Nazi, said. He said the new strategy was a practical measure to ensure their voice was heard. “When we call for ..read more

After enduring a week of hell – in which he was pressed into revealing he had lied to police, security guards, his boss, and a national TV network, admitted to taking cocaine, and somehow forgot buying a woman several drinks at a Canberra bar – Bruce Lehrmann suddenly remembered he was the dickhead who started all of this. In an interview outside the court, Lehrmann explained how he had totally forgotten that he’d ripped apart his reputation voluntarily. “So I’m standing there, trying to come to terms with what I’ve just said on the witness stand, and I’m thinking, fuck, I could get done for t ..read more

The Government has come within a whisker of developing a plan for the future, it has been revealed. Sources say the party room was shaken by the close call. “There was a discussion which was heading very quickly towards an opinion. It could have easily snowballed to a policy from there,” one Labor insider said. He said if it wasn’t for some quick thinking from leader Anthony Albanese – who hastily proposed matching the Opposition’s policies on tax cuts and asylum seekers – a policy position may have been unavoidable. “It could have been a very different outcome, but everyone’s ok. Everything’s ..read more

In a rare piece of good news in an otherwise disastrous day for the defamation litigant, Bruce Lehrmann has secured rights to a large coal mine, unearthed deep beneath the witness stand at the Federal Court in Sydney. Lehrmann – who is suing Channel 10 for defamation – broke ground earlier this week when he told the court he had not bought Brittany Higgins any drinks on the night in question, and then proceeded to watch on as the court showed CCTV footage of him buying her several, even encouraging her to scull one. The hole became bigger when he admitted he had lied to security personnel in o ..read more

Saying they didn’t need much space now that it was just the two of them, retired couple John and Jan Pictern have downsized to a 6-bedroom, 3 bathroom house on a 1,800 square metre block. “It’ll be a squeeze, but we’ll get used to it,” Jan said, noting that she would have to give up her second sewing room to accommodate the change. “As you get older you realise that there are things you can do without, like the fifth spare bedroom or the formal sitting room. Actually, that’s a bad example, you obviously can’t do without the formal sitting room. But you know what I mean”. John also said he woul ..read more

Whistleblower David McBride says that if he had his time again, he would undermine the effectiveness of Australia’s taxation system rather than trying to prevent war crimes. Facing trial for revealing details of war crimes in Afghanistan, McBride said he wished he’d leaked information as a partner at PwC, rather than at the ADF. “If only I’d helped multi-national organisations use confidential information to set up elaborate tax avoidance systems to the detriment of ordinary Australians, I’d be a free man right now. But instead I chose to provide information that could lead to the arrest of mu ..read more

Australia has been stripped of the 2024 ODI World Cup after a countback of moral victories determined that England were the real winners. “Despite only winning three games and finishing below Afghanistan, clearly England were the best team in the comp. In every game, no matter what position they found themselves in, they managed to find a way to claim a moral victory, which is incredibly impressive” an ICC official said. The ICC defended the system, saying it was the correct way to assess the winner. “It’s easy to get caught up in technicalities, like which team has scored the most runs. But w ..read more