FMyLife
1,409 FOLLOWERS
My life sucks but I don't give a fuck
FMyLife
7h ago
Today, and for weeks now, I was sure my underwear was going missing. I found out why. My husband's brother has been stealing them whenever he visits, presumably to masturbate with. I literally caught him shoving an unwashed pair into his pocket he'd stolen from my laundry pile. Creep. FML ..read more
FMyLife
8h ago
Today, my brother is staying over for a while. I thought I was prepared for this, but I totally forgot that he is inexplicably prone to having random nosebleeds. He's going through my Kleenex faster than a horny teenage boy left alone in his room. Time to hoard Kleenex like how people hoarded toilet paper in 2020. FML ..read more
FMyLife
10h ago
Today, it took me two hours to put all the kids to bed, so all I wanted to do was watch TV but my husband, who'd spent all that time asleep on the sofa, started pestering me for sex like he thought he deserved it after I'd asked him for help 3 times before just doing all the work myself. FML ..read more
FMyLife
14h ago
Today, my girlfriend let out a vile fart in an Uber. It stank so bad, the driver threatened to kick us out. She blamed it on me and called me a pig. Then, she ripped another one, and he actually did kick us out. She had the nerve to act hurt when I called a second Uber only for myself. FML ..read more
FMyLife
16h ago
Today, I got popcorn when getting groceries. I was excited to see popcorn butter spray on sale and decided to try it. Excited, I made some popcorn while I went to use the can. Butter sprayed like an aerosol can all over my desk and floor. Now, my apartment smells like a movie theater and there's butter EVERYWHERE! FML ..read more
FMyLife
19h ago
Today, my sister will be giving birth to my niece any day now. She repeatedly insists on showing me her heavily pregnant belly. I don't know how to tell her that I find pregnancy bellies repulsive without sounding like a dick. I don't even know why this is. I just don't like them. FML ..read more
FMyLife
22h ago
Today, the girl I rejected caught me making out with this girl I like. I told her I was straight in order to avoid hurting her feelings instead of telling her I wasn’t attracted to her because she was obese. She loudly called me out for lying and burst into tears, and ran off making me look bad. FML ..read more
FMyLife
1d ago
Today, I was scrolling through a more risqué/dark/dirty humor Facebook page. I thoughtlessly set my phone down to help my cousin with a translation for about a minute. When I went to grab my phone, I saw, front and center, a photo edit of Chewbacca with his "lipstick" out. No wonder she kept glancing down. FML ..read more
FMyLife
1d ago
Today, someone broke into the underground parking garage. They ignored the Mercedes, the old and new BMWs and the Porsche, and smashed the window of my Fiat 500. They stole a 5€ note. Repair costs: 400€. FML ..read more
FMyLife
2d ago
Today, I diagnosed myself with a debilitating case of vicious circle: I am now too depressed to do the things that usually manage to pull me out of my depression. FML ..read more