I mean, is anyone else tired of waiting around for the inevitable? EVERYWHERE, USA— On Jan. 28, 2024, three US soldiers were tragically killed in a drone attack in Jordan, orchestrated and carried out by an Iranian militia group. US forces responded on February 2, striking 85 targets affiliated with the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps’ Quds Force. With those exchanges followed by Israel’s April 1 strike on the Iranian Embassy in Damascus and an Iranian cruise missile and drone attack against Israel on April 13, international peace advocate Russia is urging restraint while Americans ..read more

A slime-covered but victorious Nasrullah Shadazai rejoices. NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards has selected the Global War on Terror as the winner of its annual “Coolest War for Kids” award for a record 23rd year in a row. “Whether it’s the ability to get blown up in an errant drone strike, or pick up a rifle after nap time and pop some skulls, the War on Terror has always kept kids in mind,” the citation read. “And it has the coolest video games.” Share Hosts John Cena and Amanda Bynes presented the coveted orange blimp trophy to some Afghan villagers after ceremonially ..read more

An oopsie? Nope, just pure naval awesomeness.  THE OPEN OCEAN – The United States Navy has once again rammed ___ into a ___, fulfilling its quarterly task of aggressively posturing its capabilities against anyone who would defy them.  This is just another in a set of brilliant crashes. Let us not forget the time a ___ crashed ___ into another ___. Or the time the ___ jet careened itself into the ___. Or even when ___ went aground in ___. And the time ___ sank when it was not involved in combat operations. Or the ___ when the ___ hit the ___ in the ___ ..read more

Wilcox plans to eliminate the bulldozer to “optimize soldier fitness” FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following reports that base garbage bins at Fort Liberty were overflowing with uncollected trash, garrison commander Col. John Wilcox announced a groundbreaking new program that he promised would solve the garbage problem in no time. “I’m amazed no one’s thought of this before,” said Wilcox as he glanced at a formation of soldiers humping full trash bags toward the closest empty dumpster a mile away, “but what’s old is new again. This morning I signed a directive that each company at Fort Liberty will ..read more

DEI run amok? ARLINGTON, Va. — Current difficulties meeting recruitment goals are driving the Navy to overcome recruitment challenges with an aggressive and creative new plan: lowering standards for foreign spies and implementing a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding asking applicants’ pesky questions regarding citizenship and foreign ties. Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro spoke highly of the change at a press conference. “As you’ve seen, we have many foreign spies who wish to serve, so who are we to ignore a clear source of recruits? Even Chinese spies can mop and serve chow. Plus ..read more

FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Army Maj. Jonathan Dewnot, a man spoken of in the hallways of Fort Liberty with a mixture of dread and shock, has officially announced his anticipation of ascending to the esteemed rank of Toxic Lieutenant Colonel. Known for his “unique” leadership style that many liken to drinking bleach for motivation, Dewnot is ready to expand his horizons of torment. “I’ve been honing my skills in the fine art of toxic leadership for years, and I’m thrilled to take it up a notch”, declared Maj. Dewnot, while casually flipping through a handbook titled ‘101 Ways to Crush Souls’. “As ..read more

Welcome to eternity. Submit comments in Issue/Discussion/Recommendation format. WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, OH. – As excitement builds across the United States for the upcoming total eclipse, joint US military units at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base have been busily setting up ominous “gate-shaped” structures covered in what appear to be ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The structures, surrounded by statues of various pagan deities, are located by the airfield, which is located directly in the path of totality. “It’s just an exercise,” said Col. Ariel Batungbacal, commander of the Natio ..read more

Obviously a false flag operation designed to make Russia look bad. MOSCOW— Newly re-elected Russian president, Vladimir Putin has offered his sympathy and support to the city of Baltimore following what he called a “brazen attack by the Nazi Ukraine government” on the Francis Scott Key Bridge. The recent bridge collapsed after a cargo ship collided with it, resulting in the tragic death of six people, four of whom remain missing. The tragedy on the Baltimore bridge comes on the heels of a deadly terrorist attack on a concert hall in the Moscow suburbs that, though loudly claimed by ISIS-K, P ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC — Hot on the heels of their previous controversial decision striking down the progressive Army tattoo policy, the Supreme Court has shaken the Department of Defense to its very core by declaring that enlisted members are ‘people’.  Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said, “While it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike Military Special brand vodka, this court can no longer deny that enlisted service members are, in fact, people, and are entitled to be treated as such.” Writing separately, former Army Captain Justice Alito reluctantly concurred. “Whether ..read more

Cereal: It’s what’s for dinner. In a groundbreaking response to the ongoing criticism surrounding its handling of soldier nutrition and financial allowances for food, the U.S. Army has proudly announced the launch of its innovative "Cereal for Dinner" DFAC Program.  The initiative will “provide a cost-effective and crunchy solution to the dietary dilemmas faced by our nation's defenders,” according to Army spokesperson Brig. Gen. Chuck Mills. “What better way to deal with a complex issue than eating a bowl of cereal?” asked Mills. “Heck, that’s how my wife got through my third deploymen ..read more