MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Rising from behind a podium and wiping his chin with the back of his hand, J.D. Vance proudly accepted former President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to serve as his running mate and candidate for Vice President of the United States. If elected, Vance would break ground as both the first Marine and the first person born entirely without a spine, to serve in the role. Vance thanked the former president for his confidence and proudly accepted, promising to do his part to both represent veterans and unite a troubled nation.  Share “America is deeply divided right now, per ..read more

WASHINGTON — Citing a host of international and domestic priorities and a busy election season, Congress has redirected American aid for Ukraine to a single Combined Federal Campaign donation line, sources confirmed today. “CFC EIN #782898, LUV4Ukraine, is now open to all military service members and federal employees seeking to support our Ukrainian allies in their enduring fight to take back their sovereign nation against the unprovoked Russian invasion,” said Kate Riggins, a House Armed Services Committee spokesperson. “This is an exciting opportunity to continue our unwavering support f ..read more

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has given the green light to a new plan aimed at ridding the military of all joy, sources confirmed today. The decision comes following extensive research that showed sad people weighed .23 ounces less than happy individuals, with fuel savings from lighter soldiers estimated to save $327 over the next five years. Gilbert Cisneros, the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness, told reporters that the plan will "make our force more lethal — to both ourselves and the enemy." Share Under the Pentagon’s new plan, a superteam of miserable bitches named Task ..read more

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army will begin using artificial intelligence-powered non-commissioned officers to help with an ongoing manpower and recruiting crisis, the Army’s top leader announced today. “Most soldiers communicate with their NCOs these days through text,” said Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “So why not give them a digital NCO they can get immediate answers to 24/7?” Share Initial results show that the AI-generated messages are remarkably similar to what soldiers are familiar with. With extensive machine learning training, most robot NCOs have already mastered sharing useful fee ..read more

LAWRENCE, Kansas — Lt. Col. Brent Patrick, commander of the University of Kansas Army Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) program, somehow did not fuck a cadet during his command, sources confirmed today. “We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command. “And yet, against all odds, during his three-year tenure, Lt. Col. Patrick appears to have not used his elevated position to prey on any college co-eds.” ROTC commanders are the ostensible top of the food chain for most cadets. They have immense power in ..read more

WASHINGTON — Shortly after a near-miss assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden held a press conference to remind everyone that he has presidential immunity. Share “Thanks to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I have complete immunity,” Biden told reporters. “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots at my Vice President Trump. I only killed Medicare.” Indeed, Biden’s closest advisors confirmed that they conducted a lengthy analysis of what actions a president could take after the recent ruling in Trump v. United States. These include potentiall ..read more

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Department of Defense has run out of funding after Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin blew roughly $300 billion at a Las Vegas blackjack table, sources confirmed today. “This is not the time to cast judgment, because everyone makes mistakes,” said Maj. Gen. Patrick Ryder, a Pentagon spokesman. “The Department of Defense has come back from worst and we all need to just tighten our belts for a little bit and hold out for new funding.” Share According to defense officials, a slightly irritated Austin was found at the Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas awaiting hi ..read more

WASHINGTON — A groundbreaking study released today has revealed that the Department of Veterans Affairs is significantly less effective at providing relief to military veterans when compared to drugs and alcohol. The comprehensive report, titled "Escaping the Battle: A Comparative Study of VA Efficacy versus Substance Abuse," highlights that while the VA continues to spend billions of dollars on healthcare programs, many veterans report that a six-pack of beer or a tightly rolled joint offers a quicker solution to their problems. Share "Our findings were pretty clear,” said Dr. Jeremiah Sta ..read more

THE WHITE HOUSE — During a brief press conference scheduled between 10:00 am and 4:00 pm for no specific reason whatsoever, President Joe Biden quietly admitted today that the Gaza pier announced with much fanfare in March, would — again — be disassembled and likely not replaced. “God save the Queen, man, but we tried our best to alleviate the suffering of those Carthaginians there in the Plaza Strip,” said Biden. “But folks, here’s the deal. You’ve seen my national security decisions for the last four years and let’s be honest, how else did you think this was going turn out? Like there was ..read more

BELLEVILLE, Ill. — Tragedy struck the military community of Scott Air Force Base this past weekend after a Bridgerton-themed drinking game claimed the lives of 17 Airmen.  “We ask for the nation’s thoughts and prayers as we deal with this tremendous loss,” said Maj. Tilly Donovan, head of public affairs for the 375th Air Mobility Wing. “While this is not the first calamity to afflict the Air Force inspired by a historical romance television series, this is sure to be the worst of the season. We can only hope that social ruin will not befall the families of those Airmen whose dance card ..read more