There are days as a humor columnist when the stars align, the humor gods smile, and fate blesses me. Days when, after struggling for days to come up with a topic, two stories fall into my lap at the same moment. Days when the muse taps me on the shoulder and says, "It's your time, young man. The world needs you." Today is that day because I get to write about farts. Not like three weeks ago when I wrote about farts. This is a brand new day to write about farts and to see how many times I can say farts before my editor doesn't want me to say farts anymore. Farts. Some of you are no doubt out ..read more

Dear Loathsome Trolls of Trident Gum, You destroyed my life. My name is Dr. Marvin Tandenborstel. That name may not mean much to you, but you no doubt know me as The Fifth Dentist. I'm the guy in your advertisements of the four out of five dentists who recommend your stupid gum to patients who chew gum. The years of hatred I received for being The Fifth Dentist destroyed my family and my career. I lost my home, my practice, and a family legacy that was passed down for generations. This anguish has gnawed at my soul for decades, and as my life reaches its end, it's time to tell you what da ..read more

I have to admit something, and I'm worried about what you may think of me. A small part of me thinks this is something I should be ashamed of, but I'm not. Not at all. I don't feel bad about what I did, but I do worry what you'll think of me when you hear it. After all, it's my body, and this is (mostly) a free country, so I should be able to do whatever I want. I know people will judge me, condemn me, and even shun me from polite society, but as Shakespeare once said, "Let heaven and men and devils, let them all, All, all, cry shame against me, yet I’ll speak." A few months ago, I ate a ro ..read more

This is one of my dad's favorite jokes: A drunk guy is at a bar when a very proper and fancy couple comes up to order and stands next to him. The guy raises one leg and rips off a loud fart. The couple looks offended and the very proper and fancy gentleman exclaims, "I say, how dare you fart before my wife!" The drunk guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn." That joke popped into my head when I read about the new study commissioned by QS Supplies, makers of fine sinks, showers, tubs, and toilets in the United Kingdom. The study found a number of interesting facts. For exampl ..read more

One day, when we lived in Indianapolis, I walked my younger daughter and son — 6 and 4 at the time — to the local library. On the way there, they each found a stick they wanted. "Why do you want a stick?" I asked. "Because they're cool sticks!" they said. I couldn't argue with that. I love a good stick. I've always been a fan of sticks, and even now, I still keep an eye out for cool ones when I'm out walking. "Plus, we might meet bad guys," they added. "Well, fight them with the sticks if we do. That'll give me time to get away." They didn't think that was funny; my genius is unappreciat ..read more

People can be terrible, especially on social media. The hot takes, the rampant misinformation, the insults, and the trolling. You could post a message that says, "My neighbor died this weekend," and someone will reply, "She was murdered!" "No, actually, she was 97—" "I bet her husband killed her!" "He died three years ago!" "Because she killed him! Also, you're an idiot, and everyone hates you!" I try to avoid Internet idiocy, and I've spent years nurturing my social media feeds to keep out the lunatics, racists, and homophobes. I've been fortunate for the last 17 years, but this week, I ..read more

Lake Superior State University and Wayne State University — both in Michigan — are two of the nation's leading word nerd institutions. Each new year, they each release a list of ten important words that we should all pay attention to — sort of a Midwest war of words. Not only are the two schools at opposite ends of the state, they're philosophically at opposite ends of the word usage argument. Every year, LSSU — up on the tippy-top of Michigan — releases their annual List of Banished Words for Mis-Use, Over-Use, and General Uselessness. These are words the LSSU Lakers want us to stop using b ..read more

Is it me, or is music in public — stores, restaurants, coffee shops — getting louder? I realize I'm getting older because my family keeps telling me, but I was surprised to learn I've become "Turn the radio down to find a parking spot" old. Last year, I turned "Why does a clothing store need to blast music?" years old. And five years ago, I reached, "Can you please turn that down? I just want to eat in peace." The problem isn't that I'm getting older. It's that people are getting more obnoxious about playing music in public. Business owners and managers don't care about their customers, let ..read more

Throw out your New Year's resolutions! No more "New year, new me!" No more major life changes you'll abandon in 72 hours. Instead, let's just stop using certain words that are terrible. Not just any old words, though. Only the most irritating words: the ones on Lake Superior State University's annual List of Banished Words for Mis-Use, Over-Use, and General Uselessness. LSSU published their first list in 1976, which means next year will be their 50th. And this year is my 20th consecutive year writing about it — out of the 29+ years I've been writing this column — which means my LSSU list era ..read more

Hey Karl, are you making any New Year's resolutions next year? I said. "Why should I?" Karl said. "I'm already perfect." I snorted into my Coke and barely kept it from coming out of my nose. We were sitting at First Editions on Friday, just five days before the New Year. We both needed a break from our families and snuck away from the barreling chaos for a quiet lunch. "Where are you going?" my wife had demanded when I said I was leaving. "My family's here, and so are all the kids." Oh, uh, I stammered. I've been having an affair, and I'm off to meet her at a seedy motel. I'm sorry you had ..read more