News Biscuit
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NewsBiscuit was launched by John O'Farrell with the noble aims of eradicating global poverty, creating a lasting peace in the Middle East and providing a daily dose of humour to bored people at work.
News Biscuit
2y ago
The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.
Johnson and Hancock’s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’
A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s ‘doing the exact opposite’ research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:
– The ‘delay in taking ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.
Experts in looking at women and assessing their relative ages examined Scottish Widows adverts over the past few decades and have declared that they are definitely getting younger. Professor Iain James explained, ‘We went back all of the way to the the 1980s and had a stab at guessing the ages of each Scottish Widow smirking knowingly in her black hooded cape.
‘What we found was shoc ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:
A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.
Its close proximity to [a rubbish du ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices. Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years. Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.
‘We first contacted Sugar after hearing that the search for his apprentice was continuing,’ reported David Peters ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
A spokesman for Channel 4 has apologised profusely after thousands of viewers complained about the content of this week’s Grand Designs. Presenter Kevin McCloud, could be seen seething on camera as this week’s couple, Tarquin and Philomena Farquar-Slowly were seen to have planned everything down to the last detail and even had a contingency plan and emergency funds.
Their “grand design” a former railway water tower with the added twist of being rebuilt in a tree on the side of a former slag heap, using only reclaimed materials and local labour, and powered by their own urine, was a huge succes ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
Women should flag down an aeroplane if they feel unsafe during an arrest, according to the Metropolitan Police.
New guidance issued today suggests that any woman with doubts about the credentials of an arresting officer would be perfectly entitled to radio control “Mayday! Mayday!” into the cockpit of a passing Boeing 747 and await assistance.
Alternatively, every woman could carry equipment for a makeshift runway on their person at all times – including large cat’s eyes for the landing stage and two red flags. Any normal police officer would be more than happy to wait for them to set these up ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.
Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.
“Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located,” he told assembled scientists at ..read more
News Biscuit
2y ago
Addressing the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson has announced an ambitious plan that will see the endless flow of hot air and wind emanating from his bum-hole harnessed in a bid to supply the UK’s entire domestic electricity supply within ten years.
As ever when it comes to Mr Johnson’s sensational promises, hard details are in short supply, but it’s understood that from today onward he will eat only baked beans and hot spicy foods in a bid to build up initial reserves. One insider commenting off the record said, ‘The PM generates phenomenal amounts of wind wherever he goes so we hope he c ..read more